“I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.” PeriodsWorriedGirlfriendMy Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” KnowsSaidCareKidsDiesWeekMonthsWinnerNeighborhoodAbandonedWho CaresRefrigerators Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.” PeopleFunEasyRetarded Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.” UsedSexNeighborComplainingLoudGirlfriendMy Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.” GuyNiceBlowReally NiceNice Guy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.” YearsHandsColdSixWeaponsCuriousAssaultSix Year OldsAssault Weapons Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.” EndsNightDatingVictimBlindDisasterBlind Date Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.” LittlesGuyCatGlassesAntsMagnifyingMagnifying Glass Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.” MotherBabyGet Away Author:Anthony Jeselnik