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Quote by Emo Philips

“My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.”

Quote by Emo Philips

Author

Emo Philips, born on February 7, 1956, is a versatile entertainer known for his contributions to music, performance, and comedy. His unique style and humor have won him the affection of a wide audience. more

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“I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.”

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“Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?”

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“I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.”

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“Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?”

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“I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.”

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“There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'”

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“The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.”

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“Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.”

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“Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.”

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“I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.”

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