“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.” Quote by Zach Galifianakis
“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.” KnowsYearsSaidEndsHumorFunnyMy OwnDealsKnow HowFourCrazyFrontsYears AgoMiseryWorkersBreadFour YearsPizzaMy Own LifeAnklesHutsCo Worker Author:Zach Galifianakis
“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.” HumorFunnyMinutesYesterdaySalad Author:Zach Galifianakis
“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.” HumorKidsTodaySchoolFunnyRememberReadingSexTeacherHigh SchoolDiedOnlineSchool TeachersHigh School Teachers Author:Zach Galifianakis
“Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?” ThinkingHumorFunnyRavens Author:Zach Galifianakis
“My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.” StillsHumorFunnyUsedFatherBeatsBelts Author:Zach Galifianakis
“Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.” HumorFunnyTablesPlusGearsCafeteriaAcne Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.” PeopleIfsKnowsI CanHumorFunnyKnow HowGayFatsCerebralCerebral Palsy Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.” KnowsHumorFunnyFitFatsSock Author:Zach Galifianakis
“I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."” WantShowsHumorRealityFunnyDiseaseSexuallyReality ShowsMolesSexually Transmitted Diseases Author:Zach Galifianakis