“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.” IfsI CanHumorFunnyGuySpeakRoomsStageRight NowEmptyBlowTonightEmpty Stage Author:Bill Hicks
“You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."” KnowsWellsWarHumorFunnyWeaponsIncrediblesIraqReportsDo You KnowPersianGulf WarReceiptsPersian Gulf Author:Bill Hicks
“Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.” PerfectEasierPhilosophicalCatholicSaintModerationAbstinenceHippo Author:Saint Augustine
“Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"” HumorFunnyMorningMetsFolksLegsHonestlyBusOffenceBlokesBus Stops Author:Billy Connolly
“Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!” ThinkingMenWayHumorFunnySexMinutesEarsClaimsTherapistsLicking Author:Billy Connolly
“On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.” MenWorldGivingEndsHumorFunnyFatherHouseWhiteTelevisionWhite HouseButtonsDesks Author:Billy Connolly
“Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.” CountryStatesHumorFunnyValuesNumbersTerribleRateBoringPoundsUnemploymentAnthemNational AnthemUnemployment Rate Author:Billy Connolly
“Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.” SometimesHumorFunnyRoutesPinnacleCaverns Author:Billy Connolly
“When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.” HumorFunnyAsksFineInvolvedPicksAccidentsThanksLimbsAlright Author:Billy Connolly