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Quote by Israelmore Ayivor

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Shaping the dream

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Israelmore Ayivor

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“And so, as if signing up for some new religion or entering into some cult, I indoctrinated myself as a member—I was and would be, Anorexic. I carried shame around this decision for a long time. As if in the choosing, I wasn’t qualified for actual sickness. That because I chose Anorexia, it was not a disease I fell ill to. That because I decided to stop eating, it was my fault, my responsibility, and a disgrace to the real people suffering from Eating Disorders that I even considered myself to be one of them. So even in my illness, I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t ill. I convinced myself it was temporary—a two-week free trial that I would cancel before getting charged. I would use and absorb the skills of Anorexic-others, then get out as soon as I’d reached my ideal weight. This, I later learned, was a lie my Eating Disorder would tell me for the rest of my life.”

“As time went on, the line between my Eating Disorder and my self became so blurred that I could not see my Eating Disorder as something separate from me. I lost touch of what it felt like or looked like to eat “normally.” I didn’t know what hunger felt like—because I only knew what hunger felt like. I didn’t know what feeling satisfied felt like, because I only knew what full beyond physical comfort felt like. I had no idea what other people ate or didn’t eat, how often or when, how much or in what combination. My body became such a confusing place to live inside, and I often didn’t recognize it as my own.”