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Quote by Lundy Bancroft

“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple's problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn't abuse.”

Quote by Lundy Bancroft

Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Work

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Written by a renowned expert in the field of psychology, this comprehensive guide examines the complex psychological factors that contribute to anger and control issues in men. The book provides a detailed analysis of the underlying causes, the impact on relationships, and practical strategies for dealing with such behavior. more

Author

Lundy Bancroft is a renowned author specializing in the fields of domestic violence and intimate relationship education and research. His work aims to help people understand and address domestic violence issues, support victims, and educate the public to raise awareness of the problem. more

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Author:Lev Grossman

“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons. So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle-though often quite pervasive-sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don't show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.”

“But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”

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Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.”

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Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”

“Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. So there may not be much difference between the man who talks down to you and the one who elevates you; both are displaying a failure to respect you as a real human being and bode ill.”

“Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”

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Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.”

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Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are: It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault. You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give. I am above criticism. I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.”

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Author:Lundy Bancroft

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty-he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.”