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Quote by John Thune

“I tell people it's like shopping for a car.People are taking candidates out for a test drive, seeing what they like.”

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John Thune is an experienced American politician, serving as a U.S. Senator from South Dakota since 2007. He focuses on issues such as agriculture, taxation, and government spending during his political career. more

“But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause it's like, "Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?" .... So you vote no on it, and then it's on the news the next day. "Well, 74% of Americans have decided it's time to eat babies."”

Knows Way Should Wells Funny Next Causes Comedy Baby News Decided Vote Phrases Voting Next Day

Author:Kyle Cease

“I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.”

Ifs Able Funny Saws Comedy Distance I Realized Cease Dilemma Parking Parking Lot

Author:Kyle Cease

“Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.”

Funny Comedy Areas Winner Silver Oscars Expertise Forecasting

Author:Norman Chad

“If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?”

Ifs Funny Comedy Balls Officials Signals Quarterback Wilson Falcon

Author:Norman Chad

“Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.”

Ifs Firsts Two Funny Games Comedy Week Beats First Time Nfl Patriot Cardinals Texan

Author:Norman Chad

“If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow.”

Ifs Funny Winning Comedy Losing Picks Nfl Wow

Author:Norman Chad

“New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."”

Needs Made Home Would Be Funny Cities Comedy New York Grew Grew Up Yeah Addresses Holiday Pounds Drivers Rip Back Home Paranoid Cab Tokyo Inns Stomping Cab Drivers

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.”

Knows Funny Guy Asks Comedy Streets New York Like You Walking Demand This Guy Horns Impatience Tunnels Holland Fax

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."”

Should Funny Comedy Cutting Calling Messages Machines Freak Answering Machines

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."”

People Feels Wells Book School Funny Comedy Havens High School Guilty Hey Bookshelves

Author:Jim Gaffigan

Quote by John Thune

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