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Quote by Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen

“To the significant other, the confusion can become enormous. They “hear” the AVP say, I want it, but I don’t. I want it all, not just some. I’m too overwhelmed; I can’t get what I really want. Poor me. I can’t deal with this, and you, too. I’m tired. I’m bored. I don’t care about your situation. Calm down. We don’t need emotions here. Only controlled access is allowed. These statements may or may not be said, but they are acted out.”

Quote by Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen

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Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen

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“This means that emotional hoarding is occurring. How to balance the needs of others is difficult for them. Therefore, more AVPs need psychological treatment to assist on an ongoing basis. Add to this the fact that the spouse of the AVP recognizes the AVP has times of clarity. This just increases anxiety and defensiveness for both when the needed clarity is gone.”

AnxietyDefensivenessAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“The AVP’s ambivalence extends to displaying affection. They can at once show interest and then shut this interest off when the spouse responds more intimately. The spouse is left with feelings of disappointment and discouragement, annoyance, and confusion.”

IntimacyAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“The AVP often has intestinal issues. The intestines are indeed a second brain and need a significant amount of support. It may be interesting to note the polyvagal theory of Steven Porges (2011), who wrote about the tenth cranial nerve, which runs from the brain to the gut. Negative responses in the gut can occur when flight/fight/freeze responses are automatically activated.”

IllnessNegativityAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality DisorderDigestive System
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“Judgment is literal, even in and with their own health. When someone wants and needs calm or regulation, there is an atmosphere of constraint created. When someone’s regulation is in part a self-created world, the other is now in uncertain territory. In an effort to diffuse the tensions, the AVP will often project an attitude of not caring and one of being overwhelmed.”

OverwhelmedAvoidantAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“Empathy is difficult for the AVP. They do care about others and can be very aware of emotional content. AVPs are capable of expressing empathetic thought, though it is usually short lived. Their thoughts are often racing and difficult to find. They vacillate between what is fair or not. You might see an AVP give more empathy to a distant relative at an event than the significant other. They do care, but the feeling of that care response can be problematic. They are still hiding, balancing, and are fearful of rejection. Interactions rarely are confronted or dealt with.”

RejectionAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“AVPs will hold the spouse accountable for “wrong” action. This is true even if the spouse felt he or she was supporting the AVP. The AVP is hypersensitive. They do have a continued suspiciousness of others and what they might do to them. This, in turn, maintains a fairly consistent internal defensive posture.”

SuspiciousHypersensitivityAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality DisorderHypersensitive
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“If you’re avoidant, you need to be able to maintain some distance, either emotional or physical, from your partner and preserve a large degree of separateness. In order to be happy in a relationship, we need to find a way to communicate our attachment needs clearly.”

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Book:Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
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