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Ani Baker Biography

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“A good thing to do is to think about what people have done. Not only people that you've read about in books or seen on the news or heard mentioned in deliberate conversation, and not only deeds that are noteworthy. It's good to think about all the possibilities of what people have probably done. The scope of what's possible, statistical probabilities of unique behavior and unusual action in the 200,000 years that people have existed because there are more than 7 billion of us alive right now and that's not including the number of people who have ever lived. Within those numbers exist captivating, eccentric, strange, fanciful variation, when you consider what people have probably done. Like, every time you've had an impulse that you've held back, imagine that there has been a person who has had that same impulse and gone through with it, because there probably has been. Imagine any type of person and any type of story having happened because when you do that, it feels like you're creating, but you're probably not. Imagine, considering the magnitude of these numbers and the variables within each human being, that all possibilities have occurred. If physical anomalies like twins born with bodies totally fused together resembling two-headed, eight limbed, human spiders, or a man born with a shrunken female head affixed to the back of his own head, which was animated without being consciously controlled by him, then imagine that anything you can imagine has occurred. However typical or atypical, these things you're imagining have happened. These people you're thinking of have been.”

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“There may very well have been a tennis player named Dennis whose only reason for playing tennis was for the thrill of the rhyme. There may have even been two Tennis Dennises. In fact, with billions and billions of people, 200,000 years, give or take the years before tennis was a sport, there may have even been three. You might find that thinking this way expands your freedom, your consideration of your own capability, the spectrum of what all people can be, and can do.”

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“And I said, "See, this is passion" You beamed and glowed And it was at me But it was not for me I wilted and you were the live one And as quickly as it came, it left And we both slumped And the little life left in me wanted to go And I spoke to that part Take that little life and leave It can be bigger again But you asked me to stay Saying Help Me over and over And just like you knew I would want to talk about wounded birds You always knew that I always wanted to help So I killed myself and I stayed And we were casualties together Finally connected.”

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“When Huy was young, his classmates called him "wee wee” because of an unfortunate linguistic coincidence that shaped the part of him that constructs identity beneath a title. When he dwelled on the identity that his name began constructing for him in childhood, a loud American Schoolyard memory of boys and girls yelling "wee wee" at him was dominant, within a mental file full of similar confusion that came back to him as obnoxious, repetitive shaming.”

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“Middle School is such a perfect name for middle school. If I were told that there was a commission for nationwide title submissions for the grades between elementary and high and a committee was appointed to boil down the entries in search of a name that was simple, public friendly, easy to spell, syllabically chantable (Mid-dle-school! Mid-dle-school!) devoid of possible copyright infringement, and most importantly, evocative of the emotion of being In Limbo, and Middle School was the out and out winner, I would believe that.”

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“When I fell, I instantly had my "Oh, That's Why" realization and I would have known not to rollerskate through the house again, even if I had been alone. There is a loss of dignity that a child experiences when they've just suffered the consequences of something they were warned against by the Wiser One while the Wiser One gloats for being wiser, especially when the gloating is packaged as anger. But I was too young to examine gloating or anger or wisdom and she, the mother of a timid child who rarely got hurt, had not had many opportunities to consider the vulnerable state of an injured kid. We were both green and hurt and scared in this new way, together. As an adult, it helps me to view my mom as a singular woman beyond her role in my life, but also, as a child herself who does not, in fact, possess knowledge of all things. Our mother-daughter relationship was this huge, life-altering thing that we are both experiencing for the first time, at the same rate and we don't have answers, we only have things that we're trying out. This was true for my grandmother too; she was learning to be alive for the first time.”

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“Huy smiled every time he remembered to smile, to send a message that he wasn't unhappy. He had learned how to stop people from asking him what was wrong. He wasn't unhappy, he was happy to come and he was happy to watch and he was happy to listen and laugh. He figured his friends must have thought he did not have any opinions on the things they were discussing, but he did, and he wrote them down when he got home. Just because you're not good at speaking, doesn't mean you're not good at listening and thinking, he wrote on the inside front cover of his black and white speckled composition notebook.”

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“Also, someone stating that an experience being experienced a certain way, takes away from the experience, is absurd to me. "If you've never been in the lake with no clothes on before, then you've never been in the lake" is an outrageous statement, and a false one. I would venture to guess that the experience would be the same, with or without clothes, due to the relatively unrestrictive nature of swimwear. To be fair though, because I do value fairness and demand it from others, I could be wrong about my assessment of this. I, myself, have never been in the lake.”

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“...without thinking the follow-up thought that prevents a person from following through with the original, she throws the tea in the mug at the screen and watches it drip down, while now, finally, allowing the follow-up thought to come through, the thought that would have stopped her from throwing the tea at the screen in the first place. She feels two things: recognizable regret and dim, unfamiliar power.”

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“In an instant, she was free from this small commitment and any kind of freedom feels good. She much preferred that invites came faceless this way, so she could say No without saying anything at all. A voice without a voice; what a rare, modern treat. The world made it easier all the time for her to feel connected, but alone, and therefore free.”

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“This is why I'm against marrying young. When you're young, you marry your holes and burrow into them like a childhood bed, until you realize that you've outgrown the bed, and then it's, you know, the hassle of wanting a new bed, of looking for a new bed, of getting a new bed, assembling the bed, adjusting to the bed. I don't want to be reminded of my childhood bed.”

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