Quotessence
Home / Authors / Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllDadIfsKnowsMy DadPeopleGuyFatherMenWellsNormalHeyMomParentThinkingYearsDiesPhilosophyKidsLittlesLooks

Famous Christopher Titus Quotes

“Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?”

PeopleKnowsMeanLittlesEnoughProblemHappensFatherKnow HowHavensMomNormalCome UpHearingDrivenHandleHeySnapsHad EnoughParole
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?”

PeopleFeelsLittlesEndsDoneGuyGrowsStuffCompassionGrowing UpAmountNormalRaisedAbandonedVery HappyDaddyHighwaysDotsGlueScrewed Up
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.”

LittlesLongHardGuyOrderSexSleepToo MuchCarMetsMembersOppositesDestroyedGirlfriendDamageBombsHugCousinIntimidatedRestrainingHug YouYour CousinNew BoyfriendNew GirlfriendRestraining Orders
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.”

YearsLittlesGirlFireWorstHairPressureSevenFinalsLipsTinyTeenagerThirtyEnginesPeersForeheadsThirty YearsExamPeer PressureInfantileMoustacheAcneBeing A TeenagerZitsFinal Exams
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.”

IfsKnowsWellsChildrenLittlesDifferentPainGuyFatherGrowsCausesHellGrowing UpBloodMinesBrotherBrokenHeyOnly ChildDifferent Guys
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy. 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.”

WellsLittlesPersonsGuyFunCausesResponsibilityMonthsExerciseNormalSixBallsHeyTherapyParksPoolPlasticScrewsSix MonthsBad GuysTentsScrewed UpPhysical TherapyNylon
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.”

KnowsHumansWellsLittlesCountryHomeAmericaBornViewsWeakTragedyShameOur CountryLocksHelplessEldersGuardianNursingOh WellNursing Home
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!”

WayGivingLittlesDoeKidsBloodPaperRedCrossesHarderCleanHolesSugarVeinsExesCookiesJunkieRed CrossTraineesGiving BloodSugar Cookies
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!”

PeopleMenYearsMeanLittlesSeemsPastWhiteBrotherNormalTwentiesMajorityLos AngelesDisorderFreakFenceDaddySyndromesAmerican FamilyPicket Fences
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image