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Osamu Dazai

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“I know how affected this sounds, but I want to die so bad I can’t stand it. From the time I was born, all I’ve ever thought about is dying. It would be better for everybody if I did—that’s clear enough. But I can’t seem to do it. Some strange kind of, fearsome kind of god keeps stopping me... My work means nothing. I have no masterpieces and no spectacular failures. If people say a piece is good, it’s good, and if they say it’s bad, it’s bad. It’s like breathing—in and out, in and out. What scares me is that, somewhere in this world, there is a God. There really is one, right?... There is a God, right?”

“Para entonces hasta yo estaba empezando a tener una ligera idea de qué se trataba. O sea, una lucha entre individuos. Y una lucha que el ganarla lo supone todo. El ser humano no obedece a nadie. Hasta los esclavos llevan a cabo entre ellos mismos sus venganzas mezquinas. Los seres humanos no pueden relacionarse más allá de la rivalidad entre ganar y perder. A pesar de que colocan a sus esfuerzos etiquetas con nombres grandilocuentes, al final su objetivo es exclusivamente individual y, una vez logrado, de nuevo sólo queda el individuo. La incomprensibilidad de la sociedad es la del individuo. Y el océano no es la sociedad sino los individuos que la forman. Y yo, que vivía atemorizado por el océano llamado «sociedad», logré liberarme de ese miedo.”

“Por lo general, las personas no muestran lo terribles que son. Pero son como una vaca pastando tranquila que, de repente, levanta la cola y descarga un latigazo sobre el tábano. Basta que se dé la ocasión para que muestren su horrenda naturaleza. Recuerdo que se me llegaba a erizar el cabello de terror al pensar en que este carácter innato es una condición esencial para que el ser humano sobreviva. Al pensarlo, perdía cualquier esperanza sobre la humanidad.”

“Tuve un sobresalto. En el fondo, Horiki no me trataba como a un ser humano sino como a un deshonrado que escapó de la muerte, un fantasma imbécil, un cadáver viviente; y su amistad sólo consistía en utilizarme al máximo para sus placeres. Por supuesto, estos pensamientos no fueron nada agradables; pero, pensándolo bien, era comprensible que Horiki me viese de esa manera, ya que desde niño era indigno de ser humano, y quizá fuera muy razonable que hasta él me despreciara.”

“Irrationality. I found the thought faintly pleasurable. Or rather, I feel at ease with it. What frightened me was the logic of the world; in it lay the foretaste of something incalculably powerful. Its mechanism was incomprehensible, and I could not possibly remain closeted in that windowless, bone-chilling room. Though outside lay the sea of irrationality, it was far more agreeable to swim in its water until presently, I drowned.”

“Toplum. Her nasılsa, az da olsa ne anlama geldiğini anlamaya başlamış gibiydim. İki kişiden birinin haklı bir çekişmede karşısındakine üstün gelmesi yeterli. İnsan asla insana boyun eğmez. Köleler bile köle dibi davranırlar. O yüzden insanın konunun ait olduğu yerde yapılacak bir çekişmeye bel bağlamaktan başka çaresi yok. Vatandaşlık görevlerinden bahsedip dursalar da, tüm çabaların konusu her durumda bireydir; bireyin ihtiyaçları tamamen karşılansa bile, birey yine çıkagelir. Toplumun anlaşmazlığı bireyin anlaşmazlığıdır. Toplum bir okyanus değildir; bireyler okyanustur. Dünya denen okyanus illüzyonuna karşı duyduğum dehşetten azıcık da olsa böyle kurtulmayı başarmıştım.”

“I was afraid to board a streetcar because of the conductor; I was afraid to enter the Kabuki Theater for fear of the usherettes standing along the sides of the red-carpeted staircase at the main entrance; I was afraid to go into a restaurant because I was intimidated by the waiters furtively hovering behind me waiting for my plate to be emptied.”