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Sonali Deraniyagala Books

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“I will kill myself soon. But until then how do l tame my pain?”

Despair Suicide Suicidal Emotional Pain Painful Memories Suicidal Ideation Emotional Distress Suicidal Thought

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“And as the wind gusted against those windows, I saw how, in an instant, I lost my shelter. This truth had hardly escaped me until then, far from it, but the clarity of that moment was overwhelming. And I am still shaking. They would indeed be aghast to see the mess I am now. This is not me, this is now who I was with them.”

Change Loss Grief Mourning

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I steer clear of telling. I can't come out with it. The outlandish truth of me. How can I reveal this to someone innocent and unsuspecting? With those who know my story I talk freely about us.... But with others I keep it hidden, the truth. I keep it under wraps because I don't want to shock or make anyone distressed. But it's not like me to be cagey in my interactions.... But now I try to keep a distance from those who are innocent of my reality. At best I am vague. I feel deceitful at times. But I can't just drop it on someone, I feel--it's too horrifying, too huge. It's not that I should be honest with everyone, the white lies I tell strangers I don't mind. But there are those I see time and again, have drinks with, share jokes, and even they don't know. They see my cheery side. And I kick myself for being a fraud.... I can see, though, that my secrecy does me no favors. It probably makes worse my sense of being outlandish. It confirms to me that it might be abhorrent, my story, or that few can relate to it.”

Truth Loss Grief Honesty Lies Deception Mourning

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I am in the unthinkable situation that people cannot bear to contemplate.”

Loss Grief Memoir Mourning

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I must stop remembering. I must keep them in a faraway place. The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind. So I stopped talking about them, I wouldn't mouth my boys' names, I shoved away stories of them. Let them, let our life, become as unreal as that wave.”

Grief Grieving Avoidance Unreal Painful Memories Grief And Lots

Author:Sonali Deraniyagala

“They had become muffled and distant then anyway. This happened in those first days after the wave. I couldn't find their faces, they quivered as in a heat haze. Even in my stupor I knew that details of them were dropping away from me crumbs. Still, whenever they emerged, I panicked.”

Grief Grieving Painful Memories Traumatic Experiences Trauma Memories Grief And Ioss

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“On days like this, birthdays, the anniversary of the wave, I want to be alone. Alone, I am close to them, I slip back into our life, or they slip into mine, undisturbed.”

Loss Grief Solitude Memory Mourning Anniversaries

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“Broken and bewildered, my brother had the house cleared and packed away, painted and polished, all in the first month or two after the wave. For him, that was the practical thing to do, to impose order on the unfathomable, perhaps.”

Order Loss Grief Mourning Unfathomable

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I trip up constantly, between this life and that.”

Loss Grief Mourning

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“All that they were missing, I desperately shut out. I was terrified of everything because everything was from that life. Anything that excited them, I wanted destroyed.”

Love Loss Grief Trauma Mourning

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I am immersed in another reality.”

Reality Derealization

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I will kill myself soon. But until then, how do I tame my pain?”

Suicidal Thoughts Suicidality

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I was dizzy in that room. I felt faint with disbelief. I held on to the seat of my chair to stay upright. I knew what was going on, but I couldn’t absorb any of it.”

Reality Shocked Disbelief Unreal Dissociation Stunned Unreality Dissociated

Book:Wave

Source: Wave

“I must stop remembering... The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind... I must be more watchful, I told myself. I must shut them out. I couldn't always keep this up.”

Mental Health Ptsd Avoidance Painful Memories Traumatic Experiences Traumatized Ptsd Quotes Traumatic Memories Intrusive Thoughts

Book:Wave

Source: Wave