“Domesticity dampens desire. 91” DesireRelationshipsHousekeeping Book:I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays Source: I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays
“I don't know why we take our worst moods so much more seriously than our best, crediting depression with more clarity than euphoria. We dismiss peak moments and passionate love affairs as an ephemeral chemical buzz, just endorphins or hormones, but accept those 3 a.m. bouts of despair as unsentimental insights into the truth about our lives.” LovePassionDespairDepressionPassionateInsightEuphoriaLove Affairs Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“The truth is, there are not two kinds of people. There’s only one: the kind that loves to divide up into gangs who hate each other’s guts. Both conservatives and liberals agree among themselves, on their respective message boards, in uncannily identical language, that their opponents lack any self-awareness or empathy, the ability to see the other side of an argument or to laugh at themselves. Which would seem to suggest that they’re both correct.” PeopleAngerConservativesLiberals Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“What someone’s lies reveal about them (aspirations to being an accomplished writer, fantasies of an exotic history and a cosmopolitan family) are always sadder than the fact of the lies themselves. These inventions illuminate the negative spaces of someone’s self-image, their vanity and insecurities and most childish wishes, as we can infer from warped starlight the presence of a far vaster mass of dark matter.” PersonalityLiesSecrets Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“The Soul Toupee is that thing about ourselves we are most deeply embarrassed by and like to think we have cunningly concealed from the world, but which is, in fact, pitifully obvious to everybody who knows us.” Self Deception Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“I have a shameful confession to make: Secretly, I am not lazy. I’ve learned that if I do literally nothing for more than a year, two at most, I start to get depressed. I’m not recanting my old manifesto. I still hope to make it to my grave without ever getting a job job — showing up for eight or more hours a day to a place with fluorescent lighting where I’m expected to feign bushido devotion to a company that could fire me tomorrow and someone’s allowed to yell at you but you’re not allowed to yell back. But once I become genuinely engaged in a project, I can become fanatically absorbed, spending hundreds of hours on it, no matter how useless and unremunerative. As a teacher, I edit my students’ writing with a nit-picking precision and big-picture ambition they may likely never experience again. And I don’t believe most people are lazy. They would love to be fully, deeply engaged in something worthwhile, something that actually mattered, instead of forfeiting their limited hours on Earth to make a little more money for men they’d rather throw fruit at as they pass by in tumbrels. It’s no coincidence that so many social movements arose during the enforced idleness of quarantine. One important function of jobs is to keep you too preoccupied and tired to do anything else. Grade school teachers called it “busywork” — pointless, time-wasting tasks to keep you from acting up and bothering them. ("It’s Time to Stop Living the American Scam", The New York Times)” MotivationWorkCapitalismMeaningful Work Author:Tim Kreider
“This is one reason people need to believe in God—because we want someone to know us, truly, all the way through, even the worst of us.” GodReligion Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“The truth is, there are not two kinds of people. There's only one: the kind that loves to divide up into gangs who hate each other's guts.” Human Nature Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Perhaps the reason we so often experience happiness only in hindsight, and that any deliberate campaign to achieve it is so misguided, is that it isn't an achievable goal in itself but only an afteraffect. It's the consequence of having lived in the way that we're supposed to - by which I don't mean ethically correctly but fully, consciously engaged in the business of living.” Human Nature Author:Tim Kreider
“Anytime I hear about another one of us gone berserk, shooting up his ex’s office or drowning her kids to free herself up for her Internet boyfriend, the question I always ask is not, like every other tongue-clucking pundit in the country, how could this have happened? but why doesn't this happen every day?” MadnessAngerShooting Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“I still feel at home in Baltimore in a way I will never feel anywhere else—part of the definition of home being a place you don’t belong anymore.” HomeCitiesTravelNostalgiaHometownBaltimore Author:Tim Kreider
“The same thing that makes friendship so valuable is what makes it so tenuous: it is purely voluntary. You enter into it freely, without the imperatives of biology or the agenda of desire. Officially, you owe each other nothing.” WisdomRelationshipsFriendshipEffortValue Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“One reason we rush so quickly to the vulgar satisfactions of judgment, and love to revel in our righteous outrage, is that it spares us from the impotent pain of empathy, and the harder, messier work of understanding.” UnderstandingJudgmentEmpathy Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“It's not as if any of us wants to live like this, any more than any one person wants to be part of a traffic jam or stadium trampling or the hierarchy of cruelty in high school; it's something we collectively force one another to do.” StressCompetition With Others Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“What dooms our best efforts to cultivate empathy and compassion is always, of course, other people.” UnderstandingEmpathy Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Often you don’t know whether you’re the hero of a romantic comedy or the villain on a Lifetime special until the restraining order arrives.” HumorRomanceStalkingRomantic Comedy Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“The last thing I'd want to be accused of is "growing up"; this is how boring conventional people congratulate you when your spirit breaks. 173” Growing UpPeter PanBroken Spirit Book:I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays Source: I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays
“Around the time I turned forty, the age at which physicians recommend you start lying awake worrying about your health, I decided I'd be well advised to request whatever medical history I could get from the adoption agency. 195” HealthAdoption Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Let me propose that if your beliefs or convictions matter more to you than people - if they require you to act as though you were a worse person than you are - you may have lost perspective.” EthicsMoralsBeliefs Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small rude incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff for the rest of my life.” ChildrenHumorParent Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Years ago a friend of mine and I used to frequent a market in Baltimore where we would eat oysters and drink Very Large Beers from 32-ounce Styrofoam cups. One of the regulars there had the worst toupee in the world, a comical little wig taped in place on the top of his head. Looking at this man and drinking our VLBs, we developed the concept of the Soul Toupee. Each of us has a Soul Toupee. The Soul Toupee is that thing about ourselves we are most deeply embarrassed by and like to think we have cunningly concealed from the world, but which is, in fact, pitifully obvious to everybody who knows us. Contemplating one’s own Soul Toupee is not an exercise for the fainthearted. Most of the time other people don’t even get why our Soul Toupee is any big deal or a cause of such evident deep shame to us, but they can tell that it is because of our inept, transparent efforts to cover it up, which only call more attention to it and to our self-consciousness about it, and so they gently pretend not to notice it. Meanwhile we’re standing there with our little rigid spongelike square of hair pasted on our heads thinking: Heh—got ’em all fooled!” Self EsteemShameSelf ConfidenceSelf Image Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“At a certain age our parents offhandedly start telling us things we’ve never heard before, about themselves and their families, their upbringing and history. They’re turning their lives into stories, trying to make sense of them in retrospect and pass them on while there’s still time. You begin, embarrassingly belatedly, to see them as people with lives long preceding your own.” FamilyParents Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“I wish I could recommend the experience of not being killed to everyone.” DeathSurvival Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Maybe the moral is, nothing works. 98” MoralFailureArrangements Book:I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays Source: I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays
“I'm not issuing some naïve plea for civility or bipartisanship here, or pretending that the opposing sides in this fight are intellectually equal. We have irreconcilable visions of the kind of country we want this to be: some of us would just like to live in Canada with better weather; others want something more like Iran with Jesus. My cruelest hope for the Tea Party is that one of their candidates wins the nomination for the presidency and they implode of their hubristic stupidity. But at least when I hear about them now, instead of reflexively picturing some braying ignoramus like Michele Bachmann, I try to remember that Matt [a friend of the Author's, ed] is out in that crowd somewhere, too. God agreed to spare Sodom if ten good men could be found within its walls (Abraham had to haggle him down from fifty). He ended up napalming those perverts anyway but the basic principle of sparing the sinner for the sake of the righteous, or the shithead for the sake of the basically okay, remains sound.” ToleranceAmerican PoliticsTea Party Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“For all his secrecy and fear of being seen, he was touched that we had observed him so closely, and with such love. He loved that we knew him. This is one reason people need to believe in God -- because we want someone to know us, truly, all the way through, even the worst of us.” PeopleLoveBelieveGodDeathBeliefRelationshipsFriendshipObservationUnconditional LoveUnconditional AcceptanceBeing SeenFeeling Seen Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Watching middle-class conservatives vote for politicians who've proudly pledged to screw them and their children over fills me with the same exasperated contempt I feel for rabbits who zigzag wildly back and forth in front of my tires instead of just getting off the goddamn road.” PoliticsMiddle ClassConservatives Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Compared with Baltimore, New York feels like a city-themed theme park. The difference between the two places is the difference between affectation and insanity, the eccentric and the grotesque.” CitiesNew York CityContrastBaltimore Author:Tim Kreider
“If you're anything like me, you don't make up your mind about important issues by doing original research, pounding over primary sources and coming to your own conclusions; you listen to people who claim to know what they're talking about - "experts" - and try to determine which of them is more credible. You do your best to gauge who's authentically well-informed and unbiased, who has an agenda and what it is - who's a corporate flack, a partisan hack, or a wacko. I believe that global warming is real and anthropogenic not because I've personally studied Antarctic ice core samples or run my own computer climate models, but because all the people who support the theory are climatologists with no evident investment in the issue, and all the people who dismiss it as alarmist claptrap are shills of the petro-chemical industry or just seem to like debunking things, from the Holocaust to the moon landing. We put our trust - our votes, our money, sometimes our lives - in someone else's authority. In other words, most of us decide not what to believe but whom to believe. And I say believe because for most people, such decisions are matters of faith rather than reason.” RationalityInformed DecisionsRational Choice Theory Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“[...] as with all vices, vast and lucrative industries are ready to supply the necessary material. It sometimes seems as if most of the news consists of outrage porn, selected specifically to pander to our impulse to judge and punish, to get us off on righteous indignation.” OutrageNews MediaOutrage Porn Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Biblical, Talmudic, or Koranic literalists remind me of children wrinkling their noses at Belon oysters and asking for more Chef Boy-E-Dee. They want the world to be as simple as they are.” ScienceReligionChristianityIslamJudaism Book:Twilight of the Assholes Source: Twilight of the Assholes
“When somebody tells us something that would be disturbing or inconvenient for us to believe, we reflexively scrutinize that person for some excuse to discredit him. Their disdain for emotion and dogged, blindered focus on Evidence and the Facts makes it tempting to speculate that people like Ken, rather than simply being more objective than the rest of us - which might threaten to make us feel stupid - just have more deeply buried agendas and are driven by unconscious forces about which they're in even better-defended denial. It's unusually not hard to find such ulterior motives in anyone, especially not in the sorts of people who are most likely to bring us such news.” RationalismSelf RighteousnessRational Debate Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“Quite a lot of what passes itself off as dialogue about our society consists of people trying to justify their own choices (pursuing a creative career instead of making money; breastfeeding over formula; not having children in an overpopulated world) as the only right or natural ones by denouncing others' as selfish and wrong. So it's easy to overlook that it all arises out of insecurity.” PrejudicesPreconceptionsRational Debate Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“You'd think that it would make them all the more credible to be free of any obvious agenda or emotional bias, motivated only by objective logic. But there's something off-putting about these hyperrational types; they're immune to any appeals to common sense or humor, the for fuck's sake defense. [...] As Kim Stanley Robinson writes, "An excess of reason is in itself a form of madness".” RationalityRational DebateInformed Debate Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“He made the rest of us look complacent, lazy, indulgent, and apathetic, in the same way that vegans' conscientious diets can't help but indict carnivores' as callous. The impulse is to write such people off as self-righteous and shrill (which, conveniently, they often are) so that you can stop thinking about slaughterhouses and keep eating scrapple.” VeganismRationalismRational Debate Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing
“More young people are opting not to have kids not only because they can’t afford them but also because they assume they’ll have only a scorched or sodden wasteland to grow up in. An increasingly popular retirement plan is figuring civilization will collapse before you have to worry about it. I’m not sure anyone’s composed a more eloquent epitaph for the planet than the stand-up comedian Kath Barbadoro, who tweeted: “It’s pretty funny that the world is ending and we all just have to keep going to our little jobs lol.” (It’s Time to Stop Living the American Scam, The New York Times)” Black HumorRetirement PlanningYoung PeopleThe End Of The World Author:Tim Kreider
“At a time in my life when writing had become as fulfilling as doing my taxes, and about as remunerative … 156” FulfillmentPivots Book:I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays Source: I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays
“One reason we rush so quickly to the vulgar satisfactions of judgement, and love to revel in our righteous outrage, is that it spares us from the impotent pain of empathy, and the harder, messier work of understanding.” OutragePolitical DiscourseOutrage Porn Book:We Learn Nothing Source: We Learn Nothing