“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.” Quote by Daniel Tosh
“Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?” ThinkingKnowsChildrenFunnyBitsComedyPolicyChinesePandas Author:Jim Jefferies
“Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.” HumorFunnyComedyActivityValuableShowing Off Author:Dylan Moran
“I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"” ThinkingMindHumorWould BeFunnyComedyMakersFrustratingReally Romantic Author:Demetri Martin
“I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.” WorldSometimesHumorFunnyDiesComedyBabyCelebrateCakeStreaksCelebrate LifeWhen Someone Dies Author:Demetri Martin
“Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".” BookFunnyInterestingComedyMonkeysCuzFamous BookInteresting Book Author:Eddie Izzard
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” ChildrenEnoughUseHumorFunnyComedyFairsScientistOur ChildrenBritishHarmYour ChildrenCigaretteAshtrays Author:Jimmy Carr
“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"” HumorFunnySpiritualGirlReligiousInterestingComedyHonestJokesNot Honest Author:Daniel Tosh
“I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.” IfsFeelsFunnyComedyBabyMouthsGunDeer Author:Louis C. K.
“My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.” ThinkingLooksHumorEyeFunnyUsedWalksComedyWallSummerCatTablesHolidaySlapstickNans Author:Noel Fielding
“My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.” HumorFunnyUsedFatherComedyStrongerAccidentsMakes You Stronger Author:Jimmy Carr