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Famous Daniel Tosh Quotes
“People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.”
“I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.”
“Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.”
“Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.”
“If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.”
“Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.”
“There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.”
“I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.”
“I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.”
“Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.”
“I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.”
“Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.”
“I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.”
“Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.”
“If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.”
“No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.”
“I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!”