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“The anxiety in my life isn’t every moment. Sometimes it’s manageable. Occasionally I don’t think about it that much. But it’s always lurking.”

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drstevewest

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“I cleaned the shit off my pink high-tops and drove home, stopping for an espresso at the coffeehouse across from the college. Men and women were hunched over copies of Jean Paul Sartre and writing in their journals. Most wore the thin-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses favored by intellectuals. Their clothes were faded to a precisely fashionable degree; you can buy them that way from catalogs now, new clothes processed to look old. The intellectuals looked at me in my overalls the way such people inevitably look at farmers. I dumped a lot of sugar in my espresso and sipped it delicately at a corner table near the door. I looked at them the way farmers look at intellectuals.”

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“In a moment of desperation, Jesus could have spoken new revelations or said nothing, but He chose the cling to the written Word as His sword in the battle. We cannot live on bread—natural means—alone. We cannot rely solely on medication or any other means that has been provided for us in the wilderness, but only by the Word of God. Jesus knew this and He lived this. So for us, what does that look like? It means getting up and opening up the Bible and reading even when we don’t feel like it or even when only a few words is the best we can do, because the Word really does transform our thinking and become our weapon in war.”

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“Some people talk about their PTSD as if it's a badge of honor, and I roll my fucking eyes. I'm not trying to be the PDST-esy of them all. I ignored it for a really long time. I overdosed at seventeen. I had no home for a little while. Every night I have nightmares. It's gonna end my marriage, too. I want it to end. He can't stomach my suffering and hates that he can't help me and doesn't want to do what will actually end this era. I think he loves me too much to see me in pain, and the pain he does see reminds him of his own, which is just as fucked as mine. Why can't just fucking let me cry? When the men came over, they would drug me, and I still crave those drugs to this day. Every man I look at either reminds me if those men or they don't. All men are mirrors. Whether they want to be or not. I think about those men all the time. (117)”

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