“I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.” Quote by Emo Philips
“I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.” FolksDivingScubaScuba Diving Author:Emo Philips
“I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.” PeopleThinkingIndividualDarkAudienceFocusMembersOrganismsHydra Author:Emo Philips
“I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!” GivingKidsAspectBlindnessBangsBucksUnicef Author:Emo Philips
“I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.” KnowsWellsFactsAbleMonthsSixEnglandImmigrationKnow MeSix MonthsQuarantineBypassRabies Author:Emo Philips
“If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.” IfsPersonsLaughingJust One Author:Emo Philips
“I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.” ThinkingLooksHandsPurposeBlackWifeDoorsCarSexyMy WifeFingernails Author:Emo Philips
“When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.” KidsBaseballNicknamesStitches Author:Emo Philips
“Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.” NeedsGivingWritingBabyGiving UpJokesHouseholdMaidsHaving A Baby Author:Emo Philips