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Quote by Craig Ferguson

“For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids”

Quote by Craig Ferguson

Author

English biography, 120-180 words more

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“Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.”

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“Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.”

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“If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.”

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“Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.”

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“Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.”

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“Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.”

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“According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.”

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“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.”

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“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.”

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“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.”

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Author:Craig Ferguson