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Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

“I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.”

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Anthony Jeselnik, born on December 22, 1978, is an American comedian known for his sharp wit and unique performance style. He has gained recognition for his appearances in comedy clubs and television shows. more

“My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.”

Years Two Stories Kids Night Fall Parent Religious Week Middle Wall Dad Bed Girlfriend Pounds Inches Two Weeks My Girlfriend Middle Of The Night Off The Wall

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.”

Found Brother Mom My Mom Girlfriend My Brother Funeral My Girlfriend Despicable

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.”

Want Kind Girl Walks Abortion Clinic Kind Of Girl Lollipop

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.”

Believe I Can Sex Car Accidents Girlfriend More Time My Girlfriend Car Accident

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.”

Knows Know How Comfort Aids Email Exes

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.”

Want Together Heard Baseball Yeah Blame Moved Bats Rumor Abusive New Boyfriend

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.”

People Thinking Way Worst Racism

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.”

Thinking Has Beens Guy Black Wife Baby My Friends Holes Banging Black Guys

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.”

Car Tennis Squirrels Racket

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

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