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Quote by Mike Birbiglia

“I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.”

Quote by Mike Birbiglia

Author

Mike Birbiglia, born on June 20, 1978, is an American comedian known for his self-deprecating and humorous style. He often finds humor in personal stories and everyday occurrences. Birbiglia gained prominence in the comedy world through his personal narratives and monologue comedy, winning the hearts of audiences with his unique approach. more

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“I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'”

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“Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."”

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“My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.”

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“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.”

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Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."”

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“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.”

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“I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.”

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“I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.”

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“A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'”

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“Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"”

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