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Quote by Jon Stewart

“The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four.”

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Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, born on November 28, 1962, is an American satirist, comedian, writer, and television host. He is best known for his work on 'The Daily Show', where he used satire and humor to deeply analyze American politics and social issues. more

“This week the White House proposed fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors so they can do background checks. Officials in Saudi Arabia said this will only increase anti-American feelings in the Mideast. Is that possible? Gee, you hate to have people dislike us for no reason. Things were going so well.”

“Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

“Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart.”

Mean Danger Color Red Okay Green Extremes Toms Alarms Champagne Ridges

Author:Conan O'Brien

“It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off.”

People Seems Happened Week Weapons Chicago Metals Airports Hares Metal Detectors

Author:Jay Leno

“I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.”

Ifs Knows Today Together Differences Heard Crime News Working Together Good News Cia Fbi Cooperating

Author:David Letterman

“The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.”

Quote by Jon Stewart

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