Home / Quotes / Quote by Demetri Martin

Quote by Demetri Martin

“When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.”

Quote by Demetri Martin

Author

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, writer, and actor known for his unique and witty humor style. He is recognized for his sharp wit and satirical commentary, often performing in television shows, movies, and stage performances. Born on May 25, 1973, Martin's career began in New York comedy clubs. more

You May Also Like

“My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.”

Hands Funny Comedy Nice My Friends Smell Dirty Soap Coconuts

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."”

Feels Sometimes Kids Funny Turns Sides Saws Comedy Connections Yeah Mad Stranger Hitting Malls Your Side

Author:Demetri Martin

“Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."”

Ifs Knows Want Looks Said Sometimes Today Funny Attention Comedy Sentences Racist Typical Mexican

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.”

People Ifs Funny Wonder Comedy Bed Baths

Author:John Pinette

“Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.”

Funny Sports Hours Comedy Balls Miles Racquetball

Author:Brian Regan

“The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."”

Knows Wells Government Funny Used Certain Grows Pay Comedy Growing Tomorrow Checks Get Up Hey Cracks Farmers Wow More Money Corn Noon Tomatoes Live Well Up Early

Author:Brian Regan

“I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"”

Knows Needs Kind Mean I Can Two Funny Guy Know How Saws Comedy Stores Opening All Kinds Lazy Knives Cleaning Closing Sandwiches Jars Peanuts Jelly Peanut Butter Peanut Butter And Jelly

Author:Brian Regan

“Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think.”

Source: The Art Spirit

“I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"”

Thinking Mean Said Might Funny Lasts Remember Lost Saws Comedy Yeah Hey Zone Wow Helmet Pow Buckles

Author:Brian Regan

“"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"”

Ifs Trying Has Beens Bigs Funny Lasts Asks Sound Comedy Doors Please Areas Fats Boards Gentleman Gates Cooperation Vietnam Speakers Helicopters Ladies And Gentlemen Please Stay

Author:Brian Regan