“Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.” IfsWayEasyDangerousDangerNeededGun Author:Craig Ferguson
“Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.” ImportantTelevisionMedicineSake Author:Craig Ferguson
“Sometimes, in order to follow one's heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I'm not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.” WellsHeartSometimesActionOrderSickResponsibleBe YouWrong ThingsBeing Responsible Author:Craig Ferguson
“Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.” YoungDifficultNumbersAudienceLaughingBloodBeatsCustomersMood Author:Craig Ferguson
“I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.” YearsUsedBandPantsMarbleUnderwearStagsSmugglersSpandex Author:Craig Ferguson
“My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.” YearsCountryUseFatherWaterAbilitySkillsRainBranchesUnusualPsychicsImpressiveDays Of The YearPsychic AbilitiesVery Impressive Author:Craig Ferguson
“Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.” CountryGirlSexLondonEnjoyedAncestorAristocratic Author:Craig Ferguson
“I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.” WantEndsEnoughCareJobsPoorRichRight NowAmbitionDon't CareI Don't CareFrightenedI CareMy AmbitionGetting Fired Author:Craig Ferguson
“I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.” HappensMy OwnMistakeWatchesViewersBloopers Author:Craig Ferguson
