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Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.”

Quote by Mitch Hedberg

Author

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom. more

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“I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.”

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“If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.”

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“Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"”

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“I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”

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“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”

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“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”

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“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.”

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“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

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