“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.” Quote by Emo Philips
“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.” HumorFunnyComedySafeJokesBritishComicCopiesDuplicate Author:Emo Philips
“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.” LoveLifeHumorFunnyRomanceMotherSexSisterLike A Sister Author:Emo Philips
“Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.” WellsHumorFunnyBrotherSpeechTherapyMy BrotherHelloSpeech Therapy Author:Emo Philips
“Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?” ChildrenHumorFunnyComedyHappenedHumorousParentingFactories Author:Emo Philips
“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.” FirstsHumorFunnyMorningWake UpHotCoffeePot Author:Emo Philips
“England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.” HumorFunnyEnglandUnusualStanding Out Author:Emo Philips
“I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'” SaidHumorFunnyAsksFatherComedyGirlfriendHelloMy GirlfriendMarry MeRubiesWill You Marry Me Author:Emo Philips
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.” WayHumorFunnyNightGirlComedyConsciousToesSeductionRespondingSkillfulTagCaressThis Girl Author:Emo Philips
“I get so nervous on stage I can't help but talk. I try. I try telling my brain: stop sending words to the mouth. But I get nervous and turn into my grandma. Behind the eyes it's pure fear. I find it difficult to believe I'm going to be able to deliver.” TryingBelieveI CanHelpingEyeAbleTurnsDifficultBehindsBrainStageSelf EsteemPureMouthsNervousGrandmaMy Grandma Author:Adele
“Two kinds of ballplayers aren't worth a darn: One that never does what he's told, and one who does nothin' except what he's told.” KindDoeTwo Author:Bum Phillips