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Quote by Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.”

Quote by Craig Ferguson

Author

English biography, 120-180 words more

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“Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.”

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“I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.”

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“For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids”

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“Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.”

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“Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.”

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“If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.”

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“Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.”

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“Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.”

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“Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.”

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