“Denial returned, like a nagging cough you can never quite shake. Actually, it was always close at hand, and even though "satanic ritual abuse" did describe what had happened to me when I was a child. the concept was so foreign and so horrific that some part of me still wanted to stay in denial.
Devil worship dominated my childhood. That was undeniable, even if it was still nearly impossible to contemplate. Both of my parents and any number of their friends, as well as "respected" members of our community, had worshipped Satan.
I pushed the notion aside with all the power I could muster. I kept thinking to myself that it was ridiculous and impossible.
p157”
Source: Wholeness: My Healing Journey from Ritual Abuse
“During this hour in the waking streets I felt at ease, at peace; my body, which I despised, operated like a machine. I was spaced out, the catchphrase my friends at school used to describe their first experiments with marijuana and booze. This buzzword perfectly described a picture in my mind of me, Alice, hovering just below the ceiling like a balloon and looking down at my own small bed where a big man lay heavily on a little girl I couldn’t quite see or recognize. It wasn’t me. I was spaced out on the ceiling.
I had that same spacey feeling when I cooked for my father, which I still did, though less often. I made omelettes, of course. I cracked a couple of eggs into a bowl, and as I reached for the butter dish, I always had an odd sensation in my hands and arms. My fingers prickled; it didn’t feel like me but someone else cutting off a great chunk of greasy butter and putting it into the pan.
I’d add a large amount of salt — I knew what it did to your blood pressure, and I mumbled curses as I whisked the brew. When I poured the slop into the hot butter and shuffled the frying pan over the burner, it didn’t look like my hand holding the frying-pan handle and I am sure it was someone else’s eyes that watched the eggs bubble and brown. As I dropped two slices of wholemeal bread in the toaster, I would observe myself as if from across the room and, with tingling hands gripping the spatula, folded the omelette so it looked like an apple envelope. My alien hands would flip the omelette on to a plate and I’d spread the remainder of the butter on the toast when the two slices of bread leapt from the toaster.
‘Delicious,’ he’d say, commenting on the food before even trying it.”
Source: Today I'm Alice: Nine Personalities, One Tortured Mind
“Derealization—A feeling that one's surroundings are strange or unreal. Often involves previously familiar people.”
Source: Handbook for the Assessment of Dissociation: A Clinical Guide
“This new co-consciousness brought me to a state of awareness in which my core personality was directly able to experience "her" personality. Being co-conscious with her, he explained, would stop me from experiencing the feeling of leaving my body or dissociating.”
Source: Wholeness: My Healing Journey from Ritual Abuse
“Yolanda Gampel utilizes an expanded concept of the "uncanny" to outline the results of violence:
Those who experience such traumas are faced with an unbelievable and unreal reality that is incompatible with anything they knew previously. As a result, they can no longer fully believe what they see with their own eyes; they have difficulty distinguishing between the unreal reality they have survived and the fears that spring from their own imagination.”
Source: Contradictory Violence: Revolution and Subversion in the Caribbean
“I heard this as if the doctor were at other end of a long tunnel. I had trouble connecting his words into sentences with meaning.”
Source: The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
“When I was a kid I used to wonder if, just maybe, the world existed only for me. If rooms ceased to exist when I stepped into the hallway and people disappeared once they left me, the rest of their lives imagined solely for my entertainment.”
Source: Skinned
“I am becoming the space where all of me belongs.”
Source: The Standing: A Journal of Mantras, Reflections, and Sacred Writings
“Once, when I straighten up, I am beaten till I bleed.
I no longer know where I am in the world.”
Source: The Last Jew of Treblinka
“Plus de nom. Aujourd'hui, plus aucun souvenir du nom d'hier ; ni demain, de celui d'aujourd'hui, puisque le nom détermine la chose ; puisque un nom est, en nous, le concept de toute chose placée hors de nous. Sans appellation, toute conception devient impossible, et la chose demeure en nous, comme aveugle, imprécise et confuse ; ce nom que j'ai porté parmi les hommes que chacun le grave, épigraphe funéraire, sur l'image qu'il garde de moi, et qu'il la laisse en paix, à jamais. Un nom n'est qu'une épigraphe funéraire, il convient aux morts. À qui a conclu. Je suis vivant, et je ne conclus pas. La vie ne conclut pas. Et elle ignore les noms.”
Source: One, No One, and One Hundred Thousand