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When the Human Remembers

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Tayser Bataineh

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“For AVPs, if they find that they are upset and see a caring spouse become upset with them, it is a release. However, since these are repeated patterns and no stable patterns are maintained, the spouse often becomes more anxious and does hold this anxiety. The AVP is able to see this, at some level. The increased agitation has the effect of keeping the spouse preoccupied and more distant. Nothing is seemingly moving forward. The spouse, like the AVP, can become stuck. June and Doug can both be anxious, distant, or preoccupied. Avoidants have found that they can transfer some of their avoidant and angry responses to other family members. In doing this, their intention is to transfer some of their anxieties to another person to act out or hold for them. This can occur due to living together or can be part of the AVP’s messages that a family member hears and then displays. This effect of transferred anxieties can be experienced by the children, the spouse, and maybe even the family pets. The AVP’s inability to positively confront situations produces many scenarios. Unfortunately, this can often produce in others a negative image of the person acting on behalf of the AVP. This, at some level, registers for the AVP, and shame and guilt become the results of this active/passive position.”

AvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality DisorderAnxious Attachment
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“AVPs are usually willing to show or tell others about their external or physical pain. In so doing, they avoid sharing the internal pain they feel. They can overdwell on their anatomical issues. This ambivalent thinking can be self-defeating. And AVPs fear finality. Some patients have not had a recommended surgery, due to the finality of having the problem fixed. The avoidant person’s gauging of their own body is flawed. Some avoidants are quick to seek treatment for their bodily concerns. The tensions they absorb have produced some very real problems. On the other hand, some avoidant persons tend to “ignore” these concerns until a significant health event occurs. As a group, they do need rest, less stressful environments, and dietary consistency, but they are not good at these following these restrictions.”

DietAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality DisorderDigestive System
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“They base their behavior on fear of both criticism and rejection. However, they also want to relate. We see them placing their weight on one side of the teeter-totter and then the other. This occurs in most aspects of their lives. On one side, they will strive to look and act close to perfect, in order to establish connections. Then, they will do things to keep others away. They consciously or unconsciously set themselves up to be the first to reject. Others will then respond with the desired rejection or criticism. The dynamic is one of success to failure, failure to success.”

RejectionAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“Perfectionism has its own set of judgment issues. The AVP may see the partner as less than perfect and can exclude them on such a basis. These erroneous judgments, at best, impede their social relationships and, at worst, leave them alone. The way in which they reflect on their lives and the lives of others is so often done from one perspective—theirs.”

SelfishnessAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“Over the years, the significant other can come to feel shame, even though this was not part of their coping mechanisms. Shame can therefore be used by the significant other. Either consciously or unconsciously, they may use shame in interaction with the AVP. Part of this is due to the fact that the significant other fears being guilty (hurting the AVP). When communication becomes more and more difficult in relationships, shame increases in both partners. The other may find that, without using shame, the AVP doesn’t respond in any meaningful way: What is wrong with you? One of the major struggles of the partner of the AVP is in the area of whether they need to hold the AVP responsible for his or her actions. This is a truly difficult piece for the spouse. They have a sense that the AVP is not deliberately trying to hurt them. June often is confused. She doesn’t know if Doug is understanding the hurt he is inflicting.”

ShameAvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“These scenarios are repeated over and over again in daily living. The spouse feels anger, frustration, and confusion. They ask for a different approach, but usually, over years, it ends up in a hopeless state of confusion. AVPs state they love their spouse, but the question remains for them: To what end? The spouses would like their life to be different, but often they end up in stagnation.”

AvoidantAvoidant AttachmentAvoidant Personality Disorder
Book:Hiding In The Light: Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
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“The lighthouse was called The Longing. Pitched amidst tessellations of rock black as coke, thrashed for over a hundred years by disconsolate squalls, it needled upwards, spine-straight, a white bolt locking earth, sky, and ocean together. It was lovely in its decrepitude, feathery paint gnawed off by north winds and rust-blazed window frames signatures of use and purpose. -The Lighthouse Witches, C.J. Cooke”

Beautiful WritingLighthouseThe Lighthouse WitchesC J CookeLighthousesBothy
Book:The Lighthouse Witches
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