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I Hold a Wolf by the Ears: Stories

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Laura van den Berg

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“Where are we?” I interrupted Gregory as he spoke with the other angels. He looked around. “Intercourse, Pennsylvania.” I snorted—he said “intercourse”. What a great name for a town. I needed to move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I wondered if there was a Climax, Pennsylvania? Gregory’s lips twitched. “Yes, there’s a Climax, Pennsylvania. It takes about four hours to get there by car from Intercourse.” I didn’t know what was more funny, the fact that Climax was four hours from Intercourse or that the two angels standing beside Gregory had expressions of horror on their faces. An archangel, the archangel, had just made a sex joke. Damn, I loved him. “I can get there faster,” I choked out between laughter that nearly brought me to my knees. “Because four hours from intercourse to climax is cause for immediate medical attention.” He waved a hand. “For paltry humans, maybe. Four hours for an angel is a quickie.” Those other two angels looked as if they were ready to sink through the ground. “Oh, please, can we have a quickie? I’ve got four hours to spare, and we are in Intercourse. It’s fate.”

HumourAngelsSamSex JokeGregoryDebra Dunbar
Book:Kingdom of Lies
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“My court-appointed psychiatrist says I should vent my anger in nonviolent physical excercise." She smacked him in the chest again, and he winced and caught her wrists. "You know, Agnes, that's not the hottest thing any woman has ever said to me." She yanked her wrists free and pounded her fists into his chest again, then let go of his shirt to strip off her dress and throw it on the floor. He stopped frowning. "Course, it's not the worst thing any woman has ever said to me, either.”

Sex Joke
Book:Agnes and the Hitman
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“When I first read Lovecraft around 1971, and even more so when I began to read about his life, I immediately knew that I wanted to write horror stories. I had read Arthur Machen before I read Lovecraft, and I didn’t have that reaction at all. It was what I sensed in Lovecraft’s works and what I learned about his myth as the “recluse of Providence” that made me think, “That’s for me!” I already had a grim view of existence, so there was no problem there. I was and am agoraphobic, so being reclusive was a snap. The only challenge was whether or not I could actually write horror stories. So I studied fiction writing and wrote every day for years and years until I started to get my stories accepted by small press magazines. I’m not comparing myself to Lovecraft as a person or as a writer, but the rough outline of his life gave me something to aspire to. I don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t discovered Lovecraft.”

WritingHorrorAgoraphobiaH P Lovecraft
Author:Thomas Ligotti
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“Not everyone will share your liberal views, so you might want to keep comments of a sexual nature to a minimum." Layla laughed. "If you think doing it in the shower is liberal, I'll definitely never tell you what I got up to when I found a three-foot-high can of whipped cream at Costco and asked the New York Dolphins men's water polo team to help me carry it home." "I didn't want to know that." Sam's jaw tightened. "And I suspect Faroz didn't, either." "I'm joking, Sam. Lighten up. My apartment wasn't big enough to hold all of them at once.”

TeasingKinkySex Joke
Book:The Marriage Game
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“He ran a finger over her bicep, and she was about to ask what he was doing when her arm went numb. "Ohhhh, you are going to get the best head of your life for that," she said, her whole body dizzy with relief. Taranis swallowed back a laugh. "You're so delightfully ridiculous, Quinn Fairbrook." "It's part of my appeal. That and my epic tits," she replied, placing her arm under the running tap. Taranis's eyes dropped to her bloody tank top. "They are rather epic." "Thanks. I made them myself.”

IronyBanterSex Joke
Book:Roar of the Storm King
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