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Attachment Theory Quotes

Browse 17 quotes about Attachment Theory.

Attachment Theory Quotes

“There can be a mismatch of attachment expectations. As mentioned earlier, not all relationships have to be attachment-based, but ideally all parties involved in the relationship need to agree about this. Very painful and confusing situations can arise when one person wants a certain relationship to meet their attachment needs, but the other person does not want the same level of involvement, or if a person wants an attachment-based relationship in theory but is practically or situationally unable to provide at that level. When I see clients struggling with attachment anxiety because a partner gives mixed signals or is inconsistent in their responsiveness, support, or availability, it is important to explore whether or not they are expecting this partner to be an attachment figure for them. If they are, then it is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together. Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to explore and experience them without labels or traditional expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relationship fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very liberating and satisfying way to relate with others. But when someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, frustration, disappointment, heartache and attachment anxiety ensues.”

HeartacheBreakupsPolyamoryAttachment TheoryConsensual Nonmonogamy
Book:Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy
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“When someone with a dismissive style starts to work on healing their insecure attachment, they must begin by no longer dismissing and distancing from themselves. This requires that they no longer deny their desires and needs, allowing the longings and wants for connection that have for so long been forbidden. When someone functioning from a dismissive style starts to allow their attachment system to come back online, it can initially be a very tender, raw and even overwhelming process. The skills that come with being able to identify your own feelings are part of a developmental process that takes time. The process of allowing feelings as they arise, learning how to self-soothe and establishing an inner trust that experiencing feelings is safe, cannot be rushed. For the dismissive style, the journey from insecure to secure attachment is one of returning to the body through bringing feelings and sensations back to life and learning how to be with oneself in this process. Once this is established, the risk of then leaning into others, revealing one's internal world, and dismantling the self-reliant exoskeleton through asking for help and care from others can begin.”

GrowthChangeHealingAttachment TheoryAvoidant Attachment StyleDismissive Attachment Style
Book:Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
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“Attachment theory teaches us that true autonomy relies on feeling securely connected to other human beings. Current developments in the field of attachment science have recognized that bonded pairs, such as couples, or parents and children, build bonds that physiologically shape their nervous systems. Contrary to many Western conceptions of the self as disconnected and atomized, operating in isolation using nothing but grit and determination, it turns out that close-knit connections to others are in large part how we grow into our own, fully expressed, autonomous selves.”

ConnectionAutonomyAttachment Theory
Book:Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture
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“The good news: We can start practicing new skills in life anytime we want. Here are some examples of things I'm always practicing: 1. How to say what I mean, as simply as possible, and not make people guess (even if I think they should). 2. How to reach out when I want to shut down. 3. How to just let myself feel sad, lonely, confused, a mess, when I would rather do this thing I always do and check out. 4. How to not be impatient or careless with the feelings of people I love. 5. How to listen and not try to solve someone else's problems. 6. How to take a break when I'm overwhelmed, and promise to return to the conversation a little later.”

FeelingsHealingCommunicationSelf CareEmotional RegulationAttachment TheoryEmotional Skills
Book:Notes From Your Therapist
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“The mother‘s relationship to her daughter not only forms the earliest, if not primary, foundation for how the daughter formulates her sense of self, but is the basic template for her understanding of how relationships work in the world.”

PsychologyTraumaAttachmentAttachment TheoryAttachment Trauma
Book:Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt – An Eye-Opening Resource on the Cultural Taboo of Maternal Behavior and Psychological Effects
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“A child with a secure attachment style will likely grow up into an adult who feels worthy of love and seeks to create meaningful, healthy relationships with people who are physically and emotionally available. Securely functioning adults are comfortable with intimacy, closeness, and their need or desire for others. They don't fear losing their sense of self or being engulfed by the relationship. For securely attached people, 'dependency' is not a dirty word, but a fact of life that can be experienced without losing or compromising the self. Conversely, securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners when they're not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright with themselves when they're alone. They also feel minimal fear of abandonment when temporarily separated from their partner.”

Healthy RelationshipsAttachment TheoryEmotional Security
Book:Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
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“...romantics are, ironically, the worst culprits for being relationship avoidant. This is for two reasons. The first being that committing to someone would mean they would have to call off the search for love, and nothing is more romantic than longing. The second is that they spend a lot of time thinking about who their partner might be, so it's hard to find the 3D version that matches who they've invented in their mind. It's less about perfection, and more about prescriptivism. They write their own version of how they think love is going to pan out, then they find it perplexing that no one seems to know the specific plot and characters other than them.”

LoveAdviceAvoidantAttachment TheoryRomantics
Book:Dear Dolly
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“The unconscious operation of the attachment system via internal working models probably plays an important part in the choice of marital partner and relationship patterns in marriage. Holmes (1993) has described a pattern of 'phobic-counterphobic' marriage in which an ambivalently attached person will be attracted to an avoidant 'counter-phobic' spouse in a system of mutual defence against separation anxiety.”

MarriagePsychologyAmbivalentAvoidantAttachment TheorySeparation AnxietyRelatonshipsPhobic Counterphobic
Book:John Bowlby and Attachment Theory
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“Complexly traumatized children need to be helped to engage their attention in pursuits that do not remind them of trauma-related triggers and that give them a sense of pleasure and mastery. Safety, predictability, and "fun" are essential for the establishment of the capacity to observe what is going on, put it into a larger context, and initiate physiological and motoric self-regulation.”

TraumaChildhood TraumaSelf RegulationTraumatizedComplex PtsdHealing From AbuseAbused ChildrenTraumatic StressAttachment TheoryAttachment TraumaTraumatizationAbused ChildChildhood TraumasSense Of Safety
Book:Trauma and Attachment
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“An abusive relationship typically includes choices in partners who have histories of destructive and narcissistic behavior, and who commonly struggle with their own mental health or addictions, leaving you at risk for continuing a caregiver role. Abusive and trauma-bonded relationships are characterized by intense highs and lows, severe enmeshment, loss of identity, coercive control, and cycles of abuse and manipulation, followed by intermittent calm.”

RelationshipsRelationship QuotesAttachmentRelationship AdviceRelationships 101Narcissistic AbuseNarcissism ExpertAttachment TheoryAttachment Trauma
Author:Annie Tanasugarn
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“If you are more avoidantly attached, emotional intimacy is often seen as something you simultaneously want but fear. Many who are more avoidantly attached are drawn to the intensity and newness of the early stages of a relationship. Yet, they often start pumping the brakes when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate.”

RelationshipsAttachmentRelationships QuotesNarcissistic AbuseNarcissism ExpertAvoidant AttachmentAttachment Theory
Book:The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection
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“Thirdly and most important, the psychical energy model is logically unrelated to the concepts that Freud, and everyone since, regards as truly central to psychoanalysis—the role of unconscious mental processes, repression as a process actively keeping them unconscious, transference as a main determinant of behaviour, the origin of neurosis in childhood trauma. Not one of these concepts bears any intrinsic relation to a psychical energy model; and when this model is discarded all four remain intact and unchanged. The psychical energy model is a possible model for explaining the data to which Freud drew attention: it is certainly not a necessary one.”

AttachmentAttachment TheoryBowlby
Book:Attachment
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“Sometimes, however, unmet attachment needs have a positive impact on future relationships, if those later friendships are experienced as second chances. Eager to love and be loved, eager to meet those basic needs for caring and affiliation, children can make up for those unmet needs by being outgoing, having strong leadership qualities, and becoming devoted friends. So insecurely attached children are not doomed to a life of desperation, withdrawal, clinging, aggression, or insecurity, but they may need some additional help negotiating the complex terrain of the social world. The deeper a child’s unmet need, the harder it may be to ever have it filled later on. Expecting rejection, neglect, or smothering, the child may respond to peers with passivity, withdrawal, or aggression. Children who are afraid to assert their own needs may follow along with whatever the friend or the group says.”

FriendshipChildhoodAttachmentChild DevelopmentAttachment Theory
Book:Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children
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