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Hundred Quotes

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Hundred Quotes

“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

Knows Said Humor Funny Mother Father Birth Easier Hundred Dollars Father Son

Author:Rita Rudner

“Think about that. Two hundred and eighty-five new or expanded programs, $2 trillion more in new spending, and not one new bureaucrat to file out the forms or answer the phones?”

Thinking Two Humor Form Political Answers Five Hundred Program Phones Spending Eighty Files Bureaucrats Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"”

People Trying Years Two Book Ideas Humor Funny Three Proud Conversation Pages Hundred Hey No Idea Fifty Three Years Now And Then Proud Of Myself

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.”

Ideas Humor Funny Guy House Voice Hours Party Imagine Crazy Thousand Hundred Lonely Radio Good Times Roof Soothing Talk Radio Stacking Stir Crazy

Author:Adam Carolla

“I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.”

Want Long Humor Beautiful Five Written Drink Thousand Hundred Alcohol Heat Feds Waking Alcoholics Anticipate Completion

Book:Jack London Six Pack

Source: Jack London Six Pack

“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

Ifs Want Feels Wells Humor Today Funny Found Lost Taught Return Walking Lessons Hundred Dollars I Realized Fifty Fifth Avenues Wallets Fifth Avenue

Author:Emo Philips

“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.”

Humor Funny Three Four Fool Humorous Hundred Sixty Funny Inspirational April Pranks Fools And Foolishness April Fools Day April Fools Fools Day Funny April Fools Day Funny April Fools

Author:Mark Twain

“Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.”

Men Humor Travel Hundred Concepts Miles Birthday Maps Inches

Author:Roseanne Barr

“I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.”

Humor Funny Stupid Hundred Nine Defined Idiot Cents Ninety Ninety Nine

Author:George Bernard Shaw