“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'” IfsKnowsWorldStatesFeelingsFunnyFamilyFiveMinutesLike YouFairsParenthoodFive MinutesRoyaltyAlrightYou Might Be A Redneck IfDysfunctional FamilyCraziestFunny Family Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?” PeopleThinkingWantShouldWritingSaidHumorFunnyFormHateDutyLike YouReturnMy FriendsI HateRacistJuryChinksJury Duty Author:Sarah Silverman
“Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.'” SaidFunnyGuyNextWorryTeamLike YouYeahDetailsCoachesNflMinorsOffensiveGoing To WorkEaglesThat GuyHampshireNew HampshireHead CoachesCoordinator Author:Chip Kelly
“I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"” ThinkingSaidHumorFunnyAnswersCuttingLike YouUnderstoodRaisedDamnRestaurantsEggsChickensSandwichesWaitressBuns Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!” IfsMenNeedsLittlesHumorFunnyUsedHateMissingLike YouCoupleDrawsI HateMadFingersAccidentsStoresTurkeysGroceriesMessed UpHamGrocery StoresFellasBolognaPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.” HumorFunnyYoungLike YouRight NowBaseballPitching Author:Jerry Coleman
“Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."” ShouldTryingIdeasHelpingShowsGovernmentFunnyLike YouAgentsHomelessBugsShow BusinessReaganomics Author:Bill Maher
“I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'” PeopleIfsFirstsLooksHumorFunnyHateSeeingLike YouSucceedI HateMotto Author:Demetri Martin
“I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.” KnowsHumorFunnyWishLike YouDirectSunlight Author:Dylan Moran
“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.” ThinkingKnowsPersonsHas BeensArtHumorFunnyTalkingNiceModernLike YouListeningEuropeTheaterYeahCriticalGermanyAffable Author:Dylan Moran
“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."” LooksReasonHumorFunnyHouseEnergyRealizingWatchesToo MuchLike YouRight NowPicksLettersConnectionsNeighborLazyNo ReasonFinding YourselfHostMailBeing LazyLove Connection Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"” PeopleEndsMatterFactsHumorBigsFunnyParentLike YouBabyLawyerInsaneHeySmokeTeenagerPotPregnantSpoiledSkatingBig FamiliesRoller Skating Author:Jim Gaffigan
“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'” ThinkingKnowsFeelsWritingLooksMeanWholeHumorFunnyYoungWalksModernLike YouYeahCoffeeHeyPostsParisShopsGapsApplicationPatriotExesBohemianCoffee ShopRetroBeatnik Author:Marc Maron
“I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.” KnowsFunnyGuyAsksComedyStreetsNew YorkLike YouWalkingDemandThis GuyHornsImpatienceTunnelsHollandFax Author:Jim Gaffigan
“You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"” IfsWantShouldBookUseFunnyAsksCan DoComedyGroupsWorstAdviceLike YouArmsPrayingTreatsBallsComplexesCancerCornersLike MeYou Can Do ItPinsBowlingBumperBowlersPraying For YouVasectomy Author:Jim Gaffigan
“They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."” GivingLooksKidsFunnyGuyThreeAsksComedyLike YouTreatsTonightKetchup Author:Jim Gaffigan
“You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."” PeopleThinkingFeelsTwoDifferentFunnyComedyGroupsLike YouDrinkBritishThrownEmsAccentsStressfulPrepsGroup Of Friends Author:Jim Gaffigan