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Lewis B. Smedes

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“I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse... People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive... There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives... Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long.”

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“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

WayDoePastRememberHopeMemoriesForgetHealingKindnessFutureForgivenessForgivingHealBitterBroken HeartOur FutureNew WaysForgivenOur PastTheologianHeartbrokenPardonHealedOur MemoriesEraseMy PastForgive YourselfSelf HealingForget The PastPainful MemoriesForgive And ForgetRemembering The PastI Forgive YouWhat Is ForgivenessMoving On In LifePower Of ForgivenessJust Move OnHow To ForgivePast MemoriesForgive And Move OnNot ForgivingYou Can't Change The PastCan't Change The PastForgive ForgetHealing HeartInspirational Healing
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“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

InspirationalHappinessSpiritualityFreedomForgetInspiringSelf LoveGratitudeForgivenessDiscoveryForgivingBurdenRedemptionReleaseThought ProvokingPrisonerForgivenForgive MeForgive YourselfForgive And ForgetNever ForgiveI Forgive YouWhat Is ForgivenessInspirational ForgivenessPower Of ForgivenessSelf ForgivenessBreaking FreeHow To ForgiveAnger And ForgivenessForgiving OthersLearn To ForgiveForgive And Move OnForgive ForgetForgive Your EnemiesForgiveness And PeaceLetting Go Of AngerChristian ForgivenessMercy And ForgivenessForgiving HeartHard To Forgive
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“None of us wants to admit that we hate someone... When we deny our hate we detour around the crisis of forgiveness. We suppress our spite, make adjustments, and make believe we are too good to be hateful. But the truth is that we do not dare to risk admitting the hate we feel because we do not dare to risk forgiving the person we hate.”

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“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory.”

DoePastMemoriesHealingForgivenessForgivingHealBitterForgivenOur PastHealedOur MemoriesEraseMy PastForgive YourselfSelf HealingForget The PastForgive And ForgetRemembering The PastI Forgive YouMoving On In LifePower Of ForgivenessJust Move OnHow To ForgivePast MemoriesForgive And Move OnNot ForgivingForgive ForgetRecent PastHealing HeartInspirational Healing
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“Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule.”

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“If we say that monsters [people who do terrible evil] are beyond forgiving, we give them a power they should never have...they are given the power to keep their evil alive in the hearts of those who suffered most. We give them power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting memory of their painful pasts. We give the monsters the last word.”

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“With a little time, and a little more insight, we begin to see both ourselves and our enemies in humbler profiles. We are not really as innocent as we felt when we were first hurt. And we do not usually have a gigantic monster to forgive; we have a weak, needy, and somewhat stupid human being. When you see your enemy and yourself in the weakness and silliness of the humanity you share, you will make the miracle of forgiving a little easier.”

FirstsHumansLittlesHumanityFeltHurtHuman BeingsEnemyShareStupidEasierForgivenessWeaknessWeakMiracleForgivingInsightMonstersInnocentProfileNeedyLittle TimeSilliness
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“God is the original, master forgiver. Each time we grope our reluctant way through the minor miracle of forgiving, we are imitating his style. I am not at all sure that any of us would have had imagination enough to see the possibilities in this way to heal the wrongs of this life had he not done it first.”

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“Forgiving is an affair strictly between a victim and a victimizer. Everyone else should step aside...The worst wounds I ever felt were the ones people gave to my children. Wrong my kids, you wrong me. And my hurt qualifies me to forgive you. But only for the pain you caused me when you wounded them. My children alone are qualified to forgive you for what you did to them.”

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“Forgive a wife-slammer if you can. But you don't have to live with him. Forgive a husband who is abusing your children if you can. But only after you kick him out of the house. And if you can't get him out, get help. It's available. In the meantime, don't let him near the kids, and don't let anyone tell you that if you forgive him it means you have to stay with him. [There's an important difference between forgiving a person and tolerating their bad behavior.]”

IfsMeanChildrenPersonsImportantHelpingKidsHouseDifferencesWifeHusbandBehaviorForgivenessOur ChildrenForgivingAvailableYour ChildrenKicksBad Behavior
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“Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat.”

PeopleHeartLongDoeSometimesUseSeemsHappensTimeProcessCuttingForgivenessForgivingDeeperFleshWoundsManageMore TimeCoatsTheologianLapses
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“When we forgive someone, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgetting came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come with a violin. Begin with the basics. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive precisely because you have not forgotten what someone did; your memory keeps the pain alive long after the hurt has stopped. Remembering is the storage of pain. It is why you need to be healed in the first place.”

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“Once we have forgiven, however, we get a new freedom to forget. This time forgetting is a sign of health; it is not a trick to avoid spiritual surgery. We can forget because we have been healed. But even if it is easier to forget after we forgive, we should not make forgetting a test of our forgiving. The test of forgiving lies with healing the lingering pain of the past, not with forgetting the past has ever happened.”

IfsShouldHas BeensPainPastSpiritualLyingForgetHealingHappenedEasierTestsForgivingTricksBitternessSurgeryForgivenHealedLingeringForget The Past
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“Can you stop your memory on a dime, put it in reverse, and spin it in another direction the way you can reverse direction on a tape recorder? We cannot forget on command. So we just have to let the forgetting happen as it will; we shouldn't rush it, and we certainly should not doubt the genuineness of our forgiving if we happen to remember. The really important thing is that we have the power to forgive what we still do remember.”

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Author:Lewis B. Smedes
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