Marieke Nijkamp Biography & Quotes

“It's hard, isn't it? Trusting others with the whole of you?" She smiles bitterly and shakes her head. "It's so much easier to lie. You know that. You lie too.”

Trust Intimacy

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Trouble is, that's exactly what scares me. I don't feel safe with many people. I have literally never asked someone out on a date before. I don't have a clue how to go about it. I never did crushes before. I didn't feel comfortable enough in my own skin. I didn't know how much of a hang-up gender would be for other people—or disability, for that matter. If you're constantly told people like you don't have meaningful relationships, you eventually believe it.”

Trust Gender Disability Trans

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Trouble is, that's exactly what scares me. I don't feel safe with many people. I have literally never asked someone out on a date before. I don't have a clue how to go about it. I never did crushes before. I didn't feel comfortable enough in my own skin. I didn't know how much of a hang-up gender would be for other people—or disability, for that matter. If you're constantly told people like you don't have meaningful relationships, it's hard to believe you're allowed to try.”

Trust Gender Disability Trans

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“I'm not saying anyone did this. But people are capable of all kinds of things. And I can keep trusting people and getting hurt, or I can try to be more sensible about it." I scowl and look away from them, but despite my determination, the words taste like bile in my mouth. It's so much easier not to get attached to people, but I don't think I can live like that.”

Trust

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“The world is a messed up and scary place. It's lonely to go through it on your own. So, you have to find your family. You have to find people who will stand by you and make you laugh until you cry, and who will hold you while you cry until you laugh again.”

Home Family Friends Intimacy

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Grief is one big, gaping hole, isn’t it? It’s everywhere and all consuming. Some days you think you can’t go on because the only thing waiting for you is more despair. Some days you don’t want to go on because it’s easier to give up than to get hurt again.”

Grief Despair Death Of A Loved One Lgbtq Give Up

Book:This Is Where It Ends

Source: This Is Where It Ends

“Dad would call it my Sisyphus toll. Push a boulder up a hill, pretending it’s okay, and come nightfall it - and I - come crashing down. But he forgets the view each time I make it to the top.”

Joy Hope Health Depression Anxiety Mental Health Disability Disabled Unbroken Cycle

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“To find magic in the mending.”

Love Life Joy Magic Disability Disabled Unbroken Hurting Mending

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“You can't always keep your loved ones with you. You can't always settle your life in one place. The world was made to change. But as long as you cherish the memories and make new ones along on the way, no matter where you are, you'll always be at home.”

Memories Inspirational Attitude Inspirational Living Truism

Book:This Is Where It Ends

Source: This Is Where It Ends

“After she hung up, the cabin was quiet. The birdsong felt more distant, and the creaking of the doors in the wind sounded like nails on chalkboard. And I knew home was this, too: laughter, company. Home was the opposite of loneliness.”

Home

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“The word pain does too much work, you know? It’s like sorry, which really shouldn’t have to carry both “I sympathize” and “this is all my fault.”

Pain Suffering Language Sorry Words Disability Disabled English Unbroken

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“But I live here, in this place. And I don’t know how to tell you that. I don’t want you to squirm, or take my hand and say it’s tragic. I don’t want you to roll your eyes as though I’m playing a macho game of one-upmanship: My pain can beat up everyone else’s adolescent pain, so I’ll just be over here in the corner, savoring the depths of my stoic suffering and shedding no more than a single tear when I listen to every single cover of “Hurt” and “Hallelujah” on repeat. No, you can’t help me. Don’t try to help me. Please try to help me.”

Pain Suffering Health Mental Health Disability Help Disabled Unbroken

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“None of my doctors told me about how pain wears you down until you sometimes don't know where physical pain stops and mental pain begins. They didn't tell me about the anger and the fear and the helplessness. Finn told me and then, when I finally let him, held me while I let it all sink in.”

Pain Chronic Illness Chronic Pain

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Before the accident—BTA—I didn't know anger and pain could feel the same. I didn't think physical pain and emotional pain could simply be extensions of each other. Now, I could hardly separate the two. And I wanted to crash my fist into a kitchen cabinet or my knee into a chair. Find a more harmful way to stim. Either make the pain worse or make it go away.”

Pain Emotions Anger Autism Self Harm Chronic Pain Stimming

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Finn never told me how reassuring physical pain can be. It sends a thrill through me. A restless trembling that leaves me breathless—a hunger.”

Pain Self Harm

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“Living with an obnoxious, stubborn body means I learned how to fall. I learned how to break my fall. I learned how to fall and protect myself. I learned how to fall and keep breathing. I learned how to fall in such a way that I didn't break further. But getting back up again is never easy.”

Pain Independence Metaphor Hyperindependence

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“I can deal with pain. I always have and always will. But that's familiar pain. It's the pain I can—to some degree—adapt to and understand. This is too much. Too overwhelming. What's almost as bad is that I'm bone tired. Tired enough that part of me wants to curl up and stay here, screw the consequences.”

Pain

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“I half shrug and keep my voice level. "This is how we gain experience, both in this game and in life. We win some battles. We lose others. We learn and we keep moving." "I hate that life has gotten so complicated." I smile. "I'm not sure it was ever uncomplicated." Maddy shrugs. "I don't know. It was, at least, less complicated. It feels like everything is falling to pieces. And I don't know who I am without this game. I don't know where I can find other safe places that let me be myself.”

Life Growing Up

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“It’d be easy to get lost here, in the spaces where I feel like a ghost. A spirit who couldn’t touch, or be touched. It’d be easy, so easy, to drown. But I keep swimming back towards the shore.”

Health Depression Mental Health Disability Disabled Unbroken

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“...the choices we make--the choices that matter--aren't just the big, sweeping ones. Sometimes a meaningful choice is a simple choice, as simple as five words.”

Choices

Book:Up All Night: 13 Stories between Sunset and Sunrise

Source: Up All Night: 13 Stories between Sunset and Sunrise

“Here's the thing. I never quite know if I'm responding the "right" way to anything happening around me. Should I be more scared? Should I be angrier? Should fear immobilize me? What happens around me and how my brain responds to it are two entirely different things, and I can't tell all the time how they're connecting.”

Emotions Autism Flat Affect

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“You’re brave.” Lorna said. “I’m not,” I assured her, trying not to bristle. I hate being called brave. It’s almost as bad as inspiring.”

Inspiration Comedy Bravery Disability Disabled Unbroken

Book:Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

Source: Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens

“My friends are hurting. It's my job to protect them. It's my job to keep them safe." "No, your job is to love hard enough to counterbalance the hatred. That's enough.”

Therapist Friend

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“In a way, it didn't. They didn't start the fight. I did. That's the part only my therapist knows. I didn't mind that they spat at me and shoved into me as I walked across the football field on my way home. I'd learned to ignore that. I snapped and started the fight because they said something awful about Ever. Irrational gallantry, maybe? I never asked for this type of masculinity, but there it was.”

Bullying Masculinity Trans Transmasc

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“I try to focus, but there's a disconnect between my body and my mind, like nothing about it fits anymore. I don't feel like I belong in this body, I don't know how to interact with this world. It feels like I'm observing through a veil, and I don't know how to move. Panic is a type of pain too.”

Dissociation Shutdown

Book:Even If We Break

Source: Even If We Break

“There are no words in that fleeting moment between hope and the knowledge. There is no way to express how a heart can burst and break at the same time, how the sun can cut through the darkness but will case shadows everywhere.”

Hope Darkness

Author:Marieke Nijkamp

Marieke Nijkamp Biography

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