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Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Books

Comedian

Robert Schimmel, born on January 16, 1950 and passed away on September 3, 2010, was a renowned American comedian. Known for his unique sense of humor and sharp wit, Schimmel's comedic style was highly appreciated by audiences. His work often tackled social and political issues, bringing laughter while also prompting reflection.

Cancer on Five Dollars a Day Chemo Not...

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“I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.”

Ifs World Trying Real Easy Nice Sea Ocean Window Yeah Planes Being Nice Flew Airline Whales Southwest Airlines

Author:Robert Schimmel

“I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.”

Death Dies Imagine Ready Periods Not Ready Ready To Die

Book:Cancer on Five Dollars a Day Chemo Not Included: How Humor Got Me Through the Toughest Journey of My Life

Source: Cancer on Five Dollars a Day Chemo Not Included: How Humor Got Me Through the Toughest Journey of My Life

“A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.”

Littles Kids Moving Causes Week Yeah Coffee Advertising Cups Ads Cents Little Kid Coffee Cup

Author:Robert Schimmel

“Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.”

Ifs Way Would Be Astronaut Asteroids Hemorrhoids

Author:Robert Schimmel

“So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.”

Knows Looks Doe Said Suffering Wife Tears Yeah My Wife Magazines Articles Belly Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Robert Schimmel

“You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.”

Knows Heart Television Shapes Heart Attack Watching Television

Author:Robert Schimmel

“How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?”

People Knows Done Blind Ass Blind People

Author:Robert Schimmel

“If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.”

Ifs Ends School Hours Watches Car Eight Flying Tickets Traffic Collision Instructors Watch Movie

Author:Robert Schimmel

“My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?”

Said Wanted Forget Saws Dad Daughter My Daughter Swim Lots Of Money Dolphins Billboards

Author:Robert Schimmel

“I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?”

Want Said Guy Car Accidents Extras

Author:Robert Schimmel

“It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?”

Knows Kind Asks Fun Stupid Police California Do You Know Pot Gloves Stupid Questions

Author:Robert Schimmel

“My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.”

Author:Robert Schimmel

“It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.”

People Giving Trying Fighting Attitude Careers Disease Laughter Give Me Missions Hopefully Comic Positive Attitude Forums Gift Of Laughter

Author:Robert Schimmel

“Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.”

Moments Joy Emotion Laughing That Moment

Book:Cancer on Five Dollars a Day Chemo Not Included: How Humor Got Me Through the Toughest Journey of My Life

Source: Cancer on Five Dollars a Day Chemo Not Included: How Humor Got Me Through the Toughest Journey of My Life

“What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."”

Ifs Wells Funny Comedy Dog Legs Bulls Pits Pit Bull

Author:Robert Schimmel

About the Author

Born: January 16, 1950
Died: September 3, 2010
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 15

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