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“I should have listened to my own inner voice. My fear of relaxing lived within me for a reason. Anxiety and stress were necessary tools for survival. My vigilance had always kept me and the ones I loved safe. And then I let myself be lulled into dropping my guard, all for science. Tricked into finding serenity. Manipulated into thinking that being a human was anything more than pure and simple weakness and mediocrity. And now what did I have? A dead husband.”

“I knew that the teenage brain was not fully formed, the frontal lobes not yet connected. Therefore a clear understanding between cause and effect cannot be wholly processed by a teenager, which can make their behaviour seem reckless and erratic. That's why teens so often drag race, or shoplift, or experiment with cocaine in a Denny's parking lot.”

“This basic misguided survival instinct coupled with most teens seeing the world around them through the narrow lens of their own limited experience makes it harder for them to be compassionate. In essence, teenagers are like little psychopaths. Running around, making bad decisions, without a thought of how those decisions will affect themselves or others. Knowing this about the brain brings up interesting dilemmas when it comes to teens being tried as adults in courts of law.”

“Guilt is not an intrinsically helpful emotion for future decision-making. And often the spiral of guilt and shame can lead criminals to remain criminals. This idea was so intriguing to me, for personal reasons that should arlready be clear, that I later took it on for my undergraduate senior thesis. My paper, which I turned in six weeks early and for which I received an A, was titled "Remorse and Absolution: Peas in a Pod or Dangerous Bunkmates?”

“She said, "I could kill him for what he did to you!" It was a curious phrase. I could kill... One I never used since I actually had killed before. I was a murderer, so for me it lost its hyperbolic quality. But like when you buy a car and then see that specific model everywhere, I noticed whenever anyone idly threw out murderous threats. And it was often. For me they stuck out like neon signsin otherwise dull common colloquialisms. People were always exclaiming, "I could kill you right now! or "I want to fucking kill her!" or the classic joke, "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you," and on and on and on. I heard something like that said at least once a week, and I nodded and smiled and understood, like a well-adjusted nonhomicidal person.”

“I was tempted to tell the whole truth. But in moments when a confession was about to seep out, I stopped myself, because I knew it would never work like that. Admitting to killing the other three would only make the case that I killed Jason even stronger. So there was no point in trying to make that imaginary bargain with the world. Please, punish me for what I have done. And believe I did not do the thing you think I did. It was not an option.”

“Often, and I knew because I heard about it in sessions, people who revealed hurtful secrets were only trying to release their own pain by handing it off to someone else. Like a hot potato. Here, quick, take this searing knowledge so I don't have to hold it alone. This course of action is selfish and does no good, just scalds more people. I was not about to burden anyone else with my demons. Especially Ellie.”