“A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.” MenYearsHumorFunnyPoliceSouthSuspectsCasinosDakotaMummySouth Dakota Author:Craig Ferguson
“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” IfsWellsLittlesHumorBigsFunnyBest ThingsThings To DoFrightenedLeprechaun Author:Craig Ferguson
“If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.” IfsHumorFunnyInterestingTrainWrecksTrain Wrecks Author:Craig Ferguson
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.” PeopleWantEndsWholeHumorFunnyThreeTalkingAudienceDown AndKicksNecksFuneralTalking About MeLegit Author:Daniel Tosh
“No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.” WantHumorFunnyBeatsAssSoundtracks Author:Dave Chappelle
“Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!” BelieveStillsRealHumorFunnyHouseNicePoliceBrokeGood TimesToo NiceNice House Author:Dave Chappelle
“Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.” FirstsHumorFunnyRememberSinRocksCasts Author:Dave Chappelle
“New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.” PeopleHumorFunnyWhiteScare Author:Dave Chappelle
