“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.” PeopleWantEndsWholeHumorFunnyThreeTalkingAudienceDown AndKicksNecksFuneralTalking About MeLegit Author:Daniel Tosh
“No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.” WantHumorFunnyBeatsAssSoundtracks Author:Dave Chappelle
“Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!” BelieveStillsRealHumorFunnyHouseNicePoliceBrokeGood TimesToo NiceNice House Author:Dave Chappelle
“Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.” FirstsHumorFunnyRememberSinRocksCasts Author:Dave Chappelle
“New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.” PeopleHumorFunnyWhiteScare Author:Dave Chappelle
“Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.” HumorFunnyThreeHeelsThree TimesClicks Author:Dave Chappelle
“Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.” PeopleIfsWantWellsHumorKidsFunnyThreeAsksEffectsDegreesSixMovedWorriedAsk MeGlobal WarmingPhoenixI Love My KidsLove My Kids Author:Dennis Miller
“And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.” GivingFirstsWarReasonHumorFunnyRememberFightingNextLeftClubsAdsNext TimeJust Do It Author:Dennis Miller