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Domestic Violets

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Matthew Norman

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“Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true. If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it. When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me." And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.”

Funny QuotesDogsFunny But TrueFunny And RandomDog QuotesPenis HumorPenis JokesDick JokesDick PicsCreepy Dude
Book:Why Creeps Don't Know They're Creeps - What Game of Thrones can teach us about relationships and Hollywood scandals
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“Get comfortable with each other’s bodies? I’m not sure how much more comfortable I can be with his. “But you’ve seen me naked, Mathiras.” At my words, he looks shocked. “What? No, I haven’t.” Now I’m confused. “But we showered together on the station. Every time. We showered a lot. You held my hand when I got scared about being in there alone.” “Ah.” Realization dawns on him. “Yes, well, you might have been naked, but I didn’t look.” Now I’m really confused. “Why wouldn’t you look? I looked at you.” Mathiras’s mouth quirks in an almost-smile, like he’s fighting it. “Did you? What did you think?” I don’t want to hurt his feelings and point out that his male parts were floppier than I imagined. “Perhaps we shouldn’t discuss this after all.” He tilts his head, his horns catching one of the flickering lights from a server’s necklace and gleaming. Mathiras squeezes my fingers. “Wait, no. We’re talking about everything, remember? This is part of the process. What did you think of my naked body? Did you find it offensive?” “It wasn’t offensive,” I reassure him. “And I’m sure your penis will work just fine, no matter the size.” His face contorts, and I can’t tell if he’s about to laugh or if he’s choking. “My penis? You had a problem with my penis?” “Yours wobbles a bit more than the ones in the vids. And it’s not nearly as big or hard.” Mathiras’s shoulders hunch and jerk, and I worry he’s going to start crying.”

PenisPenis Humor
Book:Corsairs: Mathiras
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“You promised when we got back to the ship you’d show me how your penis grows.” Mathiras’s smile turns into a grimace. “There’s a slight problem with that.” Oh no. “What’s the problem?” “I’m afraid I’m already hard.” My eyes widen. He is? He said it happened when he got aroused. Does that mean our kisses were all it took? Or was it something else? “Can I see?” The look he gives me is so scorching my toes curl. “You really want to look.” Of course I do. Why does he even have to ask? I’m so eager to learn more about him, to learn how sex really is if the vids are all wrong. I know he’s fixated on going slow, but he doesn’t have to with me. He can show me everything and how to sex the right way, and I’ll be thrilled. “I’ve seen it before,” I remind him. “When it was all floppy and small.” The sound he makes is pained. “Helen, please don’t go around saying that to anyone else. You’re going to give Adiron far too much ammo if you do.” “Why would I give him ammo when I’m talking about your penis?” I feel like the two don’t have anything to do with one another. He sucks in a breath. “I’m just gonna say this once, so we get it out there. We’ve like, measured ours before. When drunk. All brothers do.” He throws his head back as if he’s talking to the ceiling. “Kef me, I can’t believe I’m saying this. But my penis isn’t small, Helen. I’m bigger than Kas and Adiron. A cock just looks different when it’s hard than when it’s soft.” “Which is why I want to see it,” I tell him eagerly. “And I don’t care how big Kas or Adi are. I’m not interested in seeing theirs.” I want to reach out and touch it, but I don’t have permission so I just give him hopeful looks.”

PenisPenis Humor
Book:Corsairs: Mathiras
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