“Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.” ShouldWellsStillsFunnyDealsMembersCongressChineseUniformsOlympicsEmbarrassingDisgraceEmbarrassmentFuriousBorrowingLondon OlympicsBorrowing Money Author:Jay Leno
“For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.” FunnyDealsHumorousStonesWanderRollingUp And DownRolling StonesMossRumours Book:The Old Curiosity Shop: And Reprinted Pieces Source: The Old Curiosity Shop: And Reprinted Pieces
“It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.” WayTryingHumorFunnyGuyDealsEffectsDrinkingSnowballSnowball Effect Author:Denis Leary
“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.” KnowsYearsSaidEndsHumorFunnyMy OwnDealsKnow HowFourCrazyFrontsYears AgoMiseryWorkersBreadFour YearsPizzaMy Own LifeAnklesHutsCo Worker Author:Zach Galifianakis
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.” PeopleYearsBelieveMadeHomeHumorFunnyWalksDealsWatchesHappenedMomCoupleTerribleYears AgoMy MomListsHolocaustInterventionRabbiHolocaust DeniersSchindlerSchindler's List Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.” HumorAgeFunnyDealsBirthGuaranteesRelaxedGuarantees ThatCertificatesUnwrittenBirth Certificate Book:Crying With Laughter: My Life Story Source: Crying With Laughter: My Life Story
“At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.” HumorFunnyDealsTalkingMomMy MomSubstanceFactoriesExesAbusersSubstance Abuse Author:George Lopez
“Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.” FunnyDealsLawyerSmokeGymFunny Lawyer Author:Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.