Best female & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.”

Men Humor Funny Young Girl Fun Gains Female Weight Hot Males Movie Flash Motorcycle Menopause Hot Flashes

Author:John Wayne

“Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”

Men Needs Firsts Said Funny Female Athlete Olympics Ruling Arabia Saudi Arabia Saudis Scarves London Olympics Female Athlete

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”

Trying Play Bigs Funny Purpose Loses Chance Player Female Eight Olympics Invited Scandal Picnics Another Chance London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Look at your watch now. You're still a super hot female.”

Looks Stills Funny Watches Female Hot

Author:Gwen Stefani

“On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me”

Source: Novels

“But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.”

Made Funny Cutting Missing Scene Humorous Discovery Female Praise Guilty Fraud Passages Pious Celibacy Rosa

Book:The Mystery of Edwin Drood and Other Pieces

Source: The Mystery of Edwin Drood and Other Pieces

“I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?”

Knows Humor Funny Animal Planets Baby Female Males Did You Know

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Would Be Funny Asks House President White Female Ask Me White House Really Cool Cozy Female President

Author:Jennifer Lopez

“He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.”

Humor Funny Female Baths Llamas

Author:Winston Churchill

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

“I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."”

Thinking Knows Funny Animal Comedy Planets Baby Female Scientist Yeah Bills Males Stubborn Assistants Did You Know Having A Baby

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!”

Inspirational Motivational Funny Motivation Inspiring Attitude Impossible Possibility Positive Inspirational Life Female Addiction Words Actresses Optimistic Encouraging Bad Ass Not Giving Up Never Giving Up Positive Life Insperational Being Strong Famous Inspirational Motivational Success Motivational Sales Sex Appeal Nothing Is Impossible Motivational Leadership Positive Inspirational Possible And Impossible Strong Inspirational Happy Girl I Will Never Give Up Cool Motivational Never Ever Give Up Sales Team Motivational Your Strong Life Changing Inspirational Positive Thinking Inspirational Achieving The Impossible Most Inspiring Life And Inspirational Never Give Up Inspirational Motivation And Change Life Best Inspirational Career Motivation Optimistic Life Motivation And Drive Famous Women Inspirational Short Inspirational Life Words Of Inspiration Positive Motivational Inspiring Students Impossible Situations Future Possibilities Short Positive Positive Success Awesome Motivational Possible Change Impossible Becomes Possible Super Awesome Very Inspirational Massive Change Nothing Can Stop Me Amazing Inspirational

Author:Audrey Hepburn

“It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different.”

Writing Years Different Character Would Be Funny Used Perfect Tvs Office Female Years Ago Males Eight Used To Be Offended Flawed Portrayal

Author:Mindy Kaling

“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.”

“I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.”

Believe Funny Peace Women Female Combat Fierce Hilarious Sisterhood Funny Women Women In Combat

Author:Margaret Mead

“Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.”

Thinking Has Beens Bigs Funny Fans Female Males

Author:Jo Brand

“Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.”

Kind Funny Girl Realizing Behinds Worst Baby Behavior Adults Female Thirds Leaving Feminist Witty Sabotage This Girl Bossypants Dumpsters

Book:Bossypants

Source: Bossypants

“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”

Want Love Life Inspirational Humor Motivational Funny Happiness Success Desire Successful Health Life Philosophy Future Female Adversity Happy What You Want Entrepreneurship Happy Life Success In Life Being Happy Congratulations Empowering Women Pursuit Of Happiness Bad Day Road To Success Insperational Great Happiness Life Happiness Great Success Eulogy Powerful Women Famous Women Women Empowering Women Inspirational Women Succes Best Success Just Be Happy Want To Be Happy Achieving Success Life And Happiness Happiness And Success Self Happiness Achieved Success Art Of Happiness About Success Greatest Success What Is Happiness Personal Happiness Happiness Is A Choice Attaining Happiness Formula For Success Achievement And Success Reaching Success Getting What You Want Live Life Happy Inspirational Success Happiness Choosing Happiness Achieving Happiness Fulfillment And Happiness I Just Want To Be Happy I Want To Be Happy Steps To Success Just Want To Be Happy I Want You To Be Happy

Book:How to enjoy your life and your job

Source: How to enjoy your life and your job

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.”

Ifs Funny Science Talking Computer Female Bites

Author:Desmond Morris

“There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity.”

People World Years Has Beens Funny Moving Opportunity Fun Comedy Equal Female Males Equal Opportunity Funny Women Just Move On

Author:Kristen Wiig

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Female Quotes