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Police Quotes

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Police Quotes

“Liverpool's grand opera also gave us some light comedy - on hearing the news that the house of goalkeeper Pepe Reina was burgled, and his Porsche stolen, while he was heroically saving penalties at Anfield, fans took a typically witty line: police were said to be interviewing a man from the West London area, a certain Frank Lampard, whose whereabouts on Tuesday between 7.45pm and 10.15pm are unknown. Indeed.”

“MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.”

Comedy Tests Police Caught Stealing Ironic Lipstick Macs

Author:Eddie Izzard

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Found Study Comedy Shots Police Fats Cop Law Enforcement Policemen

Author:Dennis Miller

“Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.”

Use Humor Light Funny Used Comedy Week Red Police Cameras Assuming Locals Drivers Policemen Surveillance Congressman Brothels Red Lights Surveillance Cameras

Author:Dennis Miller

“I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!”

People Knows Feels Funny America Causes White Know How Comedy Heard Car Police Relaxed Policemen Zimbabwe Police Cars

Author:Richard Pryor

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

Children Humor Wanted Funny Father House Party Comedy Needed Police Reports Weekend Fifteen Proverbial

Book:My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

Two Humor Kids Funny Comedy Eating Police Drinking Yesterday Acid Policemen Arrested Batteries Fireworks

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”

Humor Funny Comedy Died Police Robbers Marksman

Author:Milton Jones

“'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'”

Humor Funny Comedy Police Monsters Officers Police Officer

Author:Russell Howard

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”

Reality Truth Economy Fire Comedy Taxes Police Broke Budget Public Services

Author:Lewis Black