“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.” MenWantShouldHumorFunnyGuyTurnsRaceFeetCarWindowRadioCirclesDriversKeep GoingTidesSlow DownBugsTurn-onPassengersRace Car Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.” IfsKnowsWantHumorFunnyTurnsPhonesCellsCell Phone Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I'm beginning to feel that the real endangered species on planet earth are not the whales and the elephants but those of us who can laugh at the world and ourselves. ... I fear the dry turn of the American mind, this focus on the literal, as much as I fear our capacity for self-destruction. We've become hagridden by facts, obsessed with product instead of process. Where's the energetic wit, the looney outlook, the frivolity, the lightness of comforting laughter? It has become fashionable to know and unfashionable to feel, and you can't really laugh if you can't feel.” IfsKnowsWorldFeelsMindRealSelfFactsFeelingsHumorEarthTurnsProcessLaughingFocusPlanetsProductsLaughterCapacityDestructionSpeciesWitObsessedDryElephantsOutlookComfortingFashionableLiteralWhalesEnergeticPlanet EarthSelf DestructionLightnessFrivolityEndangered Species Author:Rita Mae Brown
“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.” LoveHeartLittlesDreamHumorTurnsLove IsGunMachinesDancingDanceMerrySweet LoveMiniaturesMachine GunsPerky Author:Matt Groening
“Anyway, after we go out and work our hearts out, after you go out and help us turn out the vote, after we've convinced the good Americans to vote, and while they're at it, pull that old George W lever, if I'm the one, when I put my hand on the Bible, when I put my hand on the Bible, that day when they swear us in, when I put my hand on the Bible, I will swear to not - to uphold the laws of the land.” IfsHeartHelpingHumorHandsLawPoliticalTurnsLandVoteConvincedSwearPolitical HumorLevers Author:George W. Bush
“I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!” IfsNeedsMayHumorAmericaTurnsChristReligiousSeriousMastersLateConvincedSavedToo LateOld FashionedRevivalNever Too Late Author:Jerry Falwell
“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.” KnowsTryingUseHumorLightFunnyUsedNightTurnsWaterNiceMiddleDatingGet UpBathroomTurn-onMiddle Of The NightFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara