Best Funny Dating Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.”

Thinking Mean Use Humor Funny Moving Dating Paint Phrases Funny Dating

“I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.”

Ifs Thinking Said Humor Funny Remember Girl Boys Dating Prison That Girl Funny Dating

Author:Bill Engvall

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.”

Reason Humor Funny Differences Religious Devil Dating Catholic Broke Broke Up Funny Dating Religious Differences

Author:Adam Ferrara

“The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.”

Knows Humor Funny Girl Right Now Dating Girlfriend My Girlfriend My Girl This Girl Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.”

Want Humor Funny Girl Sleep Dating Sincerely Want To Sleep Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.”

Firsts Kind School Remember Girl Names High School Dating Dinner First Date Funny Dating Dinner And A Movie

Author:Kevin Nealon

“I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.”

Thinking Want Humor Might Funny Order Can Do Perfect Wife Months Dating Lists Relative Mail Philippines Perfect Woman Mailing Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'”

Ifs Want Stills Hate Dies Girl Causes Break Happened Easier My Friends Dating I Hate Hey Loving Me Funny Dating Hate Her I Hate Her

Author:Adam Sandler

“You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'”

Wells Ends Humor Funny Fighting House Energy Stupid Negative Dating Disappear Rings Spoons Drawers Negative Energy Napkins Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

Knows Funny Dating Mad Girlfriend My Girlfriend Funny Dating

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”

“I think more dating stuff is scheduling. It's needing people who understand your work schedule.”

People Thinking Stuff Dating Schedules Scheduling Funny Dating

Author:Jennifer Love Hewitt

“No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.”

Men Should Funny Women Marriage Humorous Witty Funny Marriage One Woman Anatomy Women Bashing Dissecting Dissection Men Bashing Funny Dating Anatomy And Physiology

Author:Honore de Balzac

“If you kiss on the first date and it's not right, then there will be no second date. Sometimes it's better to hold out and not kiss for a long time. I am a strong believer in kissing being very intimate, and the minute you kiss, the floodgates open for everything else.”

“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”

Philosophy Women Dating Fart Funny Dating

Author:Jenny McCarthy

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”

Humans Religion Behinds Principles Dating Pursuit Willingness Irrational Unlikely Lottery Payoff Dilbert Funny Dating

Book:The Dilbert principle: a cubicle's-eye view of bosses, meetings, management fads & other workplace afflictions

Source: The Dilbert principle: a cubicle's-eye view of bosses, meetings, management fads & other workplace afflictions

“I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word 'YOU' and I just put the letter 'U'.”

Guy Letters Dating This Guy Online Dating Funny Dating Text Messaging

Author:Kelly Osbourne

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

“I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general.”

People Thinking Knows Firsts Persons Real Games Know How Dating Do The Best Real Things Funny Dating

Author:Jason Schwartzman

“I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.”

Dating Valentine Valentine's Day Single Being Single Funny Love Singles Single Man Single Women Funny Valentines Day Single Relationship Anti Valentines Day I Am Single Funny Dating Funny Being Single Happy Single

Author:Garry Shandling

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”

“Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.”

Business Taxes Picks Dating Employee Funny Dating

Book:Andy Warhol's exposures

Source: Andy Warhol's exposures

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.”

Cases Relationship Sea Rain Dating Boyfriend Being Single Rainy Rainy Day My Boyfriend Funny Dating Raining Day Happy Rain Rains Beauty Rainy Season Funny Boyfriend

Author:Mae West

“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”

Should Funny Dog Dating Blind Witty Being Single Smart Women Blind Date Funny Dating

Author:Wendy Liebman

“Dating is different when you get older. You're not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone.”

Different Dating Get Back Funny Dating

Author:Toni Braxton

“Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”

Inspirational Motivational Jobs Lasts Night Dating Pressure Tension Interviews All Night First Date Job Interview Funny Dating

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“We are constantly protecting the male ego, and it's a disservice to men. If a man has any sensitivity or intelligence, he wants to get the straight scoop from his girlfriend.”

Ifs Men Want Ego Dating Males Girlfriend Sensitivity Disservice Male Ego Funny Dating Funny Girlfriend

Author:Betty Dodson

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.”

Want Nice Married Girlfriend My Girlfriend Funny Marriage Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

Said Home Humor Funny Girl Amusing Funny Dating

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I am a strong believer in kissing being very intimate, and the minute you kiss, the floodgates open for everything else.”

Strong Minutes Kissing Dating Believer Intimate First Kiss First Date Kissing You Romantic Kiss Love Kiss Kissing Funny Love Kissing My First Kiss Romantic Kissing Kissing And Love Best Kiss Funny Dating

Author:Jennifer Lopez

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Funny Dating Quotes