“This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.” ThinkingKnowsLeftWifeWorstHusbandHeyLiftsDevicesBugsSofasCushionsTrackingUterus Author:Roseanne Barr
“I made jokes about kissing Murphy Brown. But if that's what cost me my job, my wife will probably say, "Hey asshole, I told you so".” IfsMadeJobsWifeCostKissingJokesMy WifeHeyBrownMurphyTold You SoMurphy Brown Author:Bebe Neuwirth
“The CEO of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, married one of the Enron secretaries this week. It's amazing how romantic these Enron guys can be when they realize that wives can't be forced to testify against their husbands. Skilling said today she was the best secretary Enron had ever had. She could shred 950 words a minute. ... I guess they are on their honeymoon right now. That's going pretty well. Hey, he's used to screwing Enron employees.” WellsSaidTodayUsedGuyRealizingWifeWeekMinutesRight NowHusbandMarriedHeyEmployeeSecretaryCeoHoneymoonEnron Author:Jay Leno
“John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'” WantSaidMatterTodayRichCuttingWifeTaxesHeyNutsShut UpTax CutsJohn Kerry Author:Jay Leno
“Eight years ago, I was a waiter, and I didn't have a pot to piss in. And now...? It's like I said to my wife: I love the fact that, if I was in a restaurant and Steven Spielberg walked in, I could go up to him and say, 'Hey, mate, how are you?' I think that's pretty amazing, actually.” IfsThinkingYearsSaidFactsWifeYears AgoEightMy WifeHeyRestaurantsPotMatesWaiter Author:Nick Frost
“It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.” MovingHouseStuffWifeWeekMy FriendsMovedBoxesMy WifeHeyPacksTruckHaulHey YouDrivewayU Haul Author:Bill Engvall
“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.” YearsHardKidsJobsSleepCompanyWifeWorstCarDaughterHeyTeenagerThirtyPregnantTeenageHammersTanksGardenerThirty YearsGreat JobSold OutBeing A TeenagerProstateZitsTeenage Daughter Author:Christopher Titus
“Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.” PeopleIfsYearsHumansMadeNightDiesHouseLostParentHoursBoysForeverWifeNormalYears AgoShoesBunchHeyScareCookiesLive ForeverShowing UpScrewed UpErin Author:Christopher Titus
“In my divorce, I stood up and said to my ex-wife, 'Hey, I messed up. This had nothing to do with you. I didn't understand what marriage was. I cheated. I was wrong. We couldn't fix it; it got worse. I stepped away because I didn't want it to get any worse. You're the mother of my kids - I don't want to hate you.'” WantSaidKidsMotherHateWifeDivorceHeyHate YouExesCheatedStood UpMessed UpEx WifeI Cheated Author:Kevin Hart