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Cees Nooteboom

Cees Nooteboom Books

Novelist

Rituals

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All Souls' Day

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RITUALS.

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Roads to Berlin

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“When a memory fails to appear, it seems as though the time when it was created did not really exist, and maybe that is true. Time itself is nothing; only the experience of it is something. When that dies, it assumes the form of a denial, the symbol of mortality, what you have already lost before you lose everything. When his friend had said something similar to his father, his response had been, "If you had to retain everything, you’d explode. There’s simply not enough space for it all. Forgetting is like medicine; you have to take it at the right time.”

“Negdje oko ponoći, ovdje usred germanske zime na rubu Alpa, opet gledam,Oriona, slijepog lovca, planinskog svemirca, Posejdonova sina, najljepšeg muškarca svih vremena, zavedenog od nezasitne Eje, zore, koju je mučila nepopustljiva požuda kao kazna zbog toga što ju je Afrodita zatekla u krevetu s Aresom, bogom rata. On je najsjajnije, a ujedno i najtužnije od svih zviježđa, možda ga zato i volim. Na Hiosu se zaljubio u Meropu, Dionizovu unuku, kćer kralja Enopiona. Smio ju je oženiti pod uvjetom da potjera sve divlje zvijeri s otoka. To je priča o podloj izdaji jer nakon što je protjerao sve životinje Enopion mu je iskopao oči da ga ne bi imao za zeta. Oslijepljeni Orion odvesla se na Lemnos i tamo u Hefestovoj kovačnici nalazi na jednog naučnika koji ga na svojim leđima nosi preko pola svijeta do ruba oceana gdje se u njega zaljubljuje nezasitna Eja, a njezin brat Sunce vraća mu svjetlost u oči. Sad se želi osvetiti Enopionu, ali za svoje potrage nailazi na Artemidu koja je, kao i on, potpuno opsjednuta lovom. Zajedno odlaze u lov, ali tada se upliće Apolon i šalje na njega čudovišnog škorpiona. Oklop je te strašne životinje neuništiv. Orion bježi u more, u more svoga oca, ali što može smrtnik kad se bogovi urote protiv njega? Apolon slaže Artemidi da je plivač u moru netko drugi, muškarac koji je zaveo jednu njezinu svećenicu. Božica nacilja glavu udaljenog plivača i ubija ga, ali otplivavši do tijela vidi da je riječ o Orionu i moli Asklepija, Apolonova sina, da ga opet oživi, a kad ovaj to htjedne uraditi, Zeus ga sprečava ubivši ga munjom. Artemida potom stavlja među zvijezde Orionov uvijek prepoznatljiv lik, koga još uvijek svake noći proganja škorpion, i ja ga takvoga sada gledam na hladnome, bistrome nebeskom svodu, muškarca koji je bio prelijep da bi živio, žrtvu žena, zauvijek u lovu sa Siriusom, svojim psom, treptavom zvijezdom pod nogama. Znam kako se zovu sve njegove zvijezde, ona na ramenu je Betelgeuze, bezbroj puta sjajnija od Sunca, znam kolika je međusobna udaljenost između zvijezda na njegovu maču i na njegovu pojasu, i da će se jednom u nepojmljivim vjekovima djelovanjem svemirskih zakona toliko udaljiti da će potpuno nestati, izgubljeni lovac rastrgnut vremenom, ali time njegov čar nimalo ne slabi, lik i priča su jači, još uvijek. On je moj zaštitnik, naprepoznatljvije zviježđe, uvijek sam sretan kad ga vidim, tog smrtnika koga su božice ljubile, a bogovi mrzili.”

“He read a lot, but what he read, and not just that but everything he saw, films and paintings, he translated into feeling. And this feeling, which could not immediately be expressed in words, not yet and maybe never, that formless mass of sentiments, impressions, observations — that was his way of thinking. You could circle around it with words, but there always remained far more that was not expressed than was. And later, too, a certain resentment would take possession of him, toward those people who demanded precise answers, or pretended to be able to give them. It was, on the contrary, the very mystery of everything that was so attractive. You should not want to impose too much order on it. If you did, something would be lost irrevocably. That mysteries can become more mysterious if you think about them with precision and method, he did not yet know. He felt at home in his sentimental chaos. To chart it you had to be an adult, but then you were at once labelled, finished, and in effect already a little dead.”

“Ancora una volta voglio dunque compiere questo viaggio, e anche ora so che non riuscirò ad andarci direttamente, che viaggio per me non può mai significare altro che digressione, l'eterno labirinto che il Viaggiatore si costruisce lasciandosi sedurre ogni volta da una deviazione e dalla deviazione della deviazione, dal mistero del nome sconosciuto sulla guida, dal profilo del castello in lontananza cui non porta quasi nessuna strada, da quello che potrebbe esserci da vedere dietro la prossima collina o montagna.”

“All Wintrops are mad, wicked, vain, they lack discipline, they live in confusion, they are constantly getting divorced. They treat their wives like cattle and yet these women remain in love with them, they are on the wrong side in the war or they make money out of it, they are crafty in business, but they gamble their money away or throw it in the air, and they’ll sell one another for a few pence. Did you ever know your father?”

“Zelf heb ik Frisch één keer ontmoet, in Edinburgh. Wat weet ik daar nog van? Niet veel. Met Mulisch en Reve was ik de Nederlandse delegatie bij een groot schrijverscongres. 1962. Vier jaar voor hij aan dat dagboek zou beginnen. Hij was niet groot, en had een bril met een zwaar montuur en zoiets als dubbele glazen, waardoor het leek of de ogen vergroot werden. Ik was negenentwintig, en het enige dat er van mij vertaald was kon hij niet gelezen hebben. Maar je bent aanwezig, dus misschien ben je wel wat. Van Harry was toen ook nog niet veel vertaald, maar hij had zijn allure mee, en straalde een onmetelijke zekerheid uit. We stonden met Frisch aan de bar, wat we besproken hebben is vervlogen. Frisch had een behoorlijke slok op, amuseerde zich, en liet ons praten. Harry sneed door een menigte met die neus als een schegbeeld, misschien heeft Frisch dat wel opgeschreven. Ontmoetingen met schrijvers die je niet kunt lezen hebben altijd iets spannends, omdat er niets te bewijzen valt. Henry Miller liep er rond, Angus Wilson, Stephen Spender, Normal Mailer, beroemde Schotten waar wij nog nooit van gehoord hadden, je hoort erbij maar je bent niemand en god weet wat je geschreven hebt in die rare taal van je, en iedereen is vriendelijk. Ik voelde me zoals een van de onnozele kinderen in het voorgeborchte, nog niet gezondigd, wachtend op de hemel die misschien wel een hel is. Eén beeld is me altijd bijgebleven. In een zaal waar al die beroemdheden rondliepen zat een adellijke Schotse familie in kilts met de kleuren en ruiten van hun clan. Ze hadden schoenen met zilveren gespen, en een dolk met een zilveren gevest in een wollen kniekous gestoken. Smokingjasjes op die rokken, een zwartglanzende vlinderdas, ridderordes. Geen ogenblik keken ze op naar de eventuele beroemdheden, al ze die al kenden. Ze zaten daar als atavistische beelden in een feodale oase, werden van achteren bediend door mensen die ze niet aankeken, en waren zichzelf volstrekt genoeg. Het is een halve eeuw geleden en ik weet het nog.”

“So-called real life has only once interfered with me, and it had been a far cry from what the words, lines, books had prepared me for. Fate had to do with blind seers, oracles, choruses announcing death, not with panting next to the refrigerator, fumbling with condoms, waiting in a Honda parked round the corner and surreptitious encounters in a Lisbon hotel. Only the written word exists, everything one must do oneself is without form, subject to contingency without rhyme or reason. It takes too long. And if it ends badly the metre isn't right, and there's no way to cross things out.”