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Famous Stella Chess Quotes

“Even today . . . experts, usually male, tell women how to be mothers and warn them that they should not have children if they have any intention of leaving their side in their early years. . . . Children don't need parents' full-time attendance or attention at any stage of their development. Many people will help take care of their needs, depending on who their parents are and how they chose to fulfill their roles.”

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Author:Stella Chess
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“Four- and five-year-olds' play is permeated with the rankest sexism. No matter what their parents do and say, they play their momand pop roles in ultraconventional style. We've seen little girls whose mothers are doctors absolutely refuse to take the doctors' parts in their play, insisting that "only boys can be doctors," against all reason. Girls do more washing and drying of clothes, dishes, and babies than they've ever seen their own mothers do, and they turn their play husbands into TV-watching drones who do nothing but talk about money.”

YearsChildrenLittlesMatterReasonPlayMotherTurnsGirlParentBoysRolesFiveFourStyleTvsBabyHusbandClothesDoctorsNo Matter WhatRefusePopsFive YearsSexismDishesWashingDronesFive Year OldsInsistingChildren Playing
Author:Stella Chess
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“A child is nothing like a racing car. . . . Souping up babies doesn't work that way. The child is what she is. There is a certainirreducible if elusive core. Pushing, pulling, stretching, and shrinking will not really change it. There may be spectacular interim results. The baby may say the alphabet before she walks, master two-times or even ten-times table at three. In the long run, however, this forced precocity tends to be irrelevant. . . . Whatever gains there are become unimportant. The losses can be irrevocable.”

IfsWayMayChildrenLongTwoRunningThreeLossWalksResultsCarMastersBabyTenGainsTablesCorePushingRacingLong RunsPullingIrrelevantSpectacularStretchingElusiveUnimportantAlphabetShrinkingRace CarIrrevocableChild DevelopmentInterim
Author:Stella Chess
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“Fathers are still considered the most important "doers" in our culture, and in most families they are that. Girls see them as thefamily authorities on careers, and so fathers' encouragement and counsel is important to them. When fathers don't take their daughters' achievements and plans seriously, girls sometimes have trouble taking themselves seriously.”

StillsImportantSometimesCultureGirlFatherCareersPlansTroubleAuthorityAchievementDaughterEncouragementDoersThat Girl
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Fathers can seem powerful and overwhelming to their daughters. Let her see your soft side. Express your feelings and reactions. Tell her where you came from and how you got there. Let her see that you have had fears, failures, anxious times, hurts, just like hers, even though you may look flawless to her.”

LooksMayFeelingsSeemsFatherSidesHurtPowerfulDaughterReactionsOverwhelmingAnxiousFlawless
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Women's childhood relationships with their fathers are important to them all their lives. Regardless of age or status, women who seem clearest about their goals and most satisfied with their lives and personal and family relationships usually remember that their fathers enjoyed them and were actively interested in their development.”

ImportantSeemsAgeRememberFatherGoalChildhoodDevelopmentSatisfiedEnjoyedFamily Relationship
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Adolescents may be, almost simultaneously, overconfident and riddled with fear. They are afraid of their overpowering feelings, oflosing control, of helplessness, of failure. Sometimes they act bold, to counteract their imperious yearnings to remain children. They are impulsive, impetuous, moody, disagreeable, overdemanding, underappreciative. If you don't understand them, remember, they don't understand themselves most of the time.”

IfsMayChildrenSometimesFeelingsRememberYearningAdolescenceHelplessnessDisagreeableImpulsiveMoodyOverpoweringOverconfidentImpetuous
Author:Stella Chess
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“Young people of high school age can actually feel themselves changing. Progress is almost tangible. It's exciting. It stimulates more progress. Nevertheless, growth is not constant and smooth. Erik Erikson quotes an aphorism to describe the formless forming of it. "I ain't what I ought to be. I ain't what I'm going to be, but I'm not what I was.”

PeopleFeelsAgeSchoolYoungGrowthProgressOughtHigh SchoolExcitingConstantAphorismNeverthelessSmoothAdolescenceTangibleErikson
Author:Stella Chess
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“Many children grow through adolescence with no ripples whatever and land smoothly and predictably in the adult world with both feet on the ground. Some who have stumbled and bumbled through childhood suddenly burst into bloom. Most shake, steady themselves, zigzag, fight, retreat, pick up, take new bearings, and finally find their own true balance.”

WorldChildrenFightingGrowsFeetLandChildhoodBalancePicksAdultsShakesSteadyAdolescenceRetreatRippleFeet On The Ground
Author:Stella Chess
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“There is a parallel between the twos and the tens. Tens are trying to test their abilities again, sizing up and experimenting to discover how to fit in. They don't mean everything they do and say. They are just testing. . . . Take a good deal of your daughter's behavior with a grain of salt. Try to handle the really outrageous as matter-of-factly as you would a mistake in grammar or spelling.”

TryingMeanMatterAbilityDealsMistakeFitBehaviorDaughterTestsHandleSaltGrainTestingGrammarParallelsOutrageousSpellingYour DaughterGrain Of Salt
Author:Stella Chess
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“Today's fathers and mothers--with only the American dream for guidance--extend and overextend themselves, physically, emotionally,and financially, during the best years of their lives to ensure that their children will grow up prepared to do better and go further than they did.”

YearsChildrenDreamTodayMotherFatherGrowsGrowing UpPreparedGuidanceAmerican DreamBest Year
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Parents' ability to survive a child's unabating needs, wants, and demands...varies enormously. Some people can give and give....Whether children are good or bad, brilliant or just about normal, enormously popular or born loners, they keep their cool and say just the right thing at all times...even when they are miserable themselves, inexhaustible springs of emotional energy, reserved just for children, keep flowing unabated.”

PeopleWantNeedsGivingChildrenEnergyParentBornAbilityEmotionalDemandNormalSpringBrilliantAll TimeMiserableRight ThingVaryReservedLonerEmotional Energy
Author:Stella Chess
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“An actress reading a part for the first time tries many ways to say the same line before she settles into the one she believes suits the character and situation best. There's an aspect of the rehearsing actress about the girl on the verge of her teens. Playfully, she is starting to try out ways to be a grown-up person.”

WayTryingFirstsBelievePersonsCharacterGirlReadingLinesSituationFirst TimeAspectStartingActressesSuitsSettlingTeensVergeRehearsing
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Life with a daughter of nine through twelve is a special experience for parents, particularly mothers. In a daughter's looks, actions, attitudes, passions, loves, and hates, in her fears and her foibles, a mother will see herself at the same age. You are far enough away to have some perspective on what your daughter is going through. Still, you are close enough, if reminded, to feel it all again.”

IfsFeelsLooksStillsEnoughAgeActionMotherHatePassionParentAttitudeSpecialPerspectiveDaughterNineTwelveLove And HateOur DaughterYour DaughterLove PassionFoibles
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“Normal children of both sexes and all cultures will follow a more or less standard and universal developmental pattern and timetable, and reach approximately the same level of development at maturity. While a particular culture's need and expectations and teaching will shape the course of development and affect adult capabilities to some degree, normal individuals, whatever their native culture, if transplanted and taught, could learn to meet the normal demands of their adapted cultures.”

IfsNeedsChildrenCultureCoursesIndividualSexLevelsTeachingTaughtParticularDevelopmentShapesDemandDegreesNormalStandardsExpectationsAdultsUniversalPatternsMaturityNativeCapabilityAdaptedDevelopmentalTimetables
Book:Daughters: from infancy to independence
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“You can read the best experts on child care. You can listen to those who have been there. You can take a whole childbirth and child-care course without missing a lesson. But you won't really know a thing about yourselves and each other as parents, or your baby as a child, until you have her in your arms. That's the moment when the lifelong process of bringing up a child into the fold of the family begins.”

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Author:Stella Chess
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