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Quote by Craig Ferguson

“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.”

Author

Craig Ferguson

English biography, 120-180 words more

“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.”

People Important Stories Humor Light Eye Kids Funny Used Guy Jesus Causes Half Laughing Saws Right Now Okay Blind His Eyes Traffic Armstrong Half Full Bracelet

Author:Daniel Tosh

“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.”

People Want Ends Whole Humor Funny Three Talking Audience Down And Kicks Necks Funeral Talking About Me Legit

Author:Daniel Tosh

“Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?”

Humor Funny Cracks

Author:Dave Chappelle

“No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.”

Want Humor Funny Beats Ass Soundtracks

Author:Dave Chappelle

Quote by Craig Ferguson

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