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Quote by Bill Engvall

“In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.”

Quote by Bill Engvall

Author

Bill Engvall, born on July 27, 1957, is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and the 'Here's Your Sign' series, which gained widespread popularity in the mid-1990s to early 2000s. Engvall's comedy career began in nightclubs and comedy clubs, eventually transitioning to television and film. more

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“I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.”

Said House Nice Wall Shots Neighbor Stuck Ran Hung Deer Dens

Author:Bill Engvall

“Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.”

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“One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.”

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Author:Bill Engvall

“The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.”

People Thinking

Author:Bill Engvall

“Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.”

Needs Feels Looks Clouds Flying Pilots Monkeys

Author:Bill Engvall

“I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.”

Thinking Want Giving Kids Remember Faces Hours Laughing Saws Stupid Arms Mom Decided Let Me Died Glasses Burned I Want You Ants Your Mom Great Day Magnifying Magnifying Glass

Author:Bill Engvall

“I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.”

Ifs Want Should Doe Said Week Taste Sick Pilots Should I Flew Peanuts Peanut Butter

Author:Bill Engvall

“I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.”

Ifs Way Want Wells Looks Shows Guy Loses Hurt Animal Discovery Tests Suits One Way Bites Pool It Hurts Jimmy Sharks Inventing

Author:Bill Engvall

“Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.”

Looks Said Lasts Three Sides Walks Driving Gas Flats Stations Swear Last Time Look At Me Tire Truck Gas Stations Flat Tires

Author:Bill Engvall

“I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!”

Guy Turns Next Hours Sitting Hey Planes San Francisco Seattle Hey You

Author:Bill Engvall