Home / Quotes / Quote by David Cross

Quote by David Cross

“Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.”

Quote by David Cross

Author

David Cross, born on April 4, 1964, is an American actor, screenwriter, and stand-up comedian. He is known for his role as Moss in the television series 'The Office' as well as his stand-up comedy. more

You May Also Like

“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.”

Humor Funny Together Grows Watches Limits Yeah Warm Blanket Telescopes Comets Time Limit Halley's Comet

Author:David Cross

“James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.”

Humor Funny Arrogant Pompous

Author:David Cross

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.”

Country Humor Funny Amount South Irony Shirts Regions T Shirt

Author:David Cross

“I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.”

Humans War Humor Funny Human Beings White Party Support Wonderful Republican Members Rational Inclusion Troops

Author:David Cross

“So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.”

Thinking Humor Kids Funny My Friends Rude

Author:David Cross

“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.”

Trying Hard Humor Kids Funny Talking My Friends Thirds Yeah Girlfriend Abortion Your Girlfriend Finesse Consecutive

Author:David Cross

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

Men Believe Said Whole Humor Funny Dog Jokes Tests Series Don't Believe Bunch Tonight Smarter

Author:David Cross

“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

Trying Sometimes Humor Funny Together Successful Cutting Jokes Fats Tape

Author:David Cross

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

Helping Use Humor Funny Hurt Secret Laughing Santa Santa Claus Swallowing

Author:David Cross